Wasn't quite sure what the title could be for this Blog! So I decided to name it... everything this blog is going to be about.
I've been on 20mg for almost a month now. I can't really report any obvious side effects because I am fine... except when I do get stressed! Oh boy, do I know about it. Rather than going frozen and feeling like my heads going to physically explode, instead, I go dizzy. Very dizzy. And very hot... and sometimes a little angry. I know Thursday just gone, I felt a lot of stress from the workload I have been doing. It became a little hard to cope. I had to walk out of class and go for a little break for some air. I felt, somewhat, like I was suffocating. Every time I think of all the work I've got to do, it puts an enormous amount of pressure on me. I get angry and agitated and I get the feeling I want to scream or punch something or someone up - Literally. Just need some sort of release. I feel somewhat like a Lion preying on a Zebra and I need to attack... although, physically and mentally, I wouldn't and I don't have the heart to. So I just wait for someone to do the smallest thing to annoy me so I can snap - But that never happened so I did something better - Walk out of class for 15 minutes and cool it off. It was still there but at least a better alternative.
Friday was the complete opposite, filled with optimism and enthusiasm. I felt like I could get anything done and therefore sorted myself out to come into University next Thursday (1st March)... on my 21st, to get some training so I don't feel as anxious or as a failure. Obviously without a bit of fail you don't learn, but my fear is absolutely fucking my work up to the point I've embarrassed myself and wasted £40k studying. I know by September I want a job within the industry - Easier said than done, don't get me wrong, but I'm already looking and I want something I can be proud of.
I managed to successfully finish the whole of last Semester on a 2:1 grade which is amazing. I've got 2:1 throughout this year which means I'm halfway there. I've just got to continue getting a 2:1 or better and I'll hopefully graduate with that. But at the moment, I'm focusing on the quality of my work. Something I can be proud of and to show off. Maybe enter it into some festivals.
I know on Monday (Slightly backtracking, sorry), I felt very much under pressure from my Lecturers to the point I hurt a lot. Not just mentally but the pain became physical. Because I thought I was ahead and doing well and then they asked me a bunch of questions and I can only explain it as a thousand voices going on in your head and suddenly I broke. I literally broke down. I realised Anxiety is ruining my life and I know I can do this. I know I have the ability, and hopefully the talent. I have the determination just not the motivation... And that's the problem. I was pretty upset the whole day by the words, and I told her, because she said she didn't think I could do it. Out of nowhere. But I hold no grudges, I understand why she did that. Because she did that motivated me to prove her wrong - of all things! I didn't want people not believing in me! But at the same time... I didn't want them believing in me because that gives me a pressure to not let them down. I wasn't willing to let them down, and I certainly felt like I did on Monday, and that's why it hurt, but also why it motivated me. I sorted out a meeting INSTANTLY that I've been saying for 2 weeks previously i'm 'sorting out but awaiting reply', obviously with enough persistance, and that Monday, we got it sorted. Wonderful! I went into her within an hour and told her.
I'm glad I sorted that meeting. The Wednesday I went I realised how amazing I can make this Documentary. It can truly, truly be wonderful! I Just need a crew - Another anxiety. I am going to be their leader... but ok... you don't learn in your comfort zone I guess. I can lead and I can be dominant if I need to, so I will do what I can.
Now all that's sorted. This next week will be sorting out all the dates of filming and confirming crew. It's slightly scary - But ok. I've also started CBT which has been a help. Of all things, she has asked if I want to take a week off CBT to do this work, I agreed. Maybe it's what I need - and she's challenged me to put myself in an intense anxious situation - actually filming it. Siiike. But I get it. I want to get better, so I'm going to do it. I'm going to FIGHT this anxiety. I always thought my depression took over, but really, that depression was only there because of an anxiety that refused to go away. I still get fearful of men, I still get fearful of people, but how will I ever get better if I don't allow myself to be in their presence?
Nonetheless, I am sorry I haven't updated you all in a while. But I've really prioritised my uni work... and I'll promise to update you in the next few weeks and tell you how I got on and how I feel. Today I've been to doctors and he too has given me a 2 month prescription so I can focus on my uni work - rather than a 1 months (I'm not complaining, I've saved £8.60 as I only got charged for it once). Winner! He's a great doctor. He said 'We will give you two months so you can focus on that uni work and you're all done!' and he said it so enthusiastically it really lifted my mood. It's crazy how it works isn't it. But after that appointment, it's like he pushed his happiness and enthusiasm onto me. I like that!
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