Warning Signs

I can't really remember, exactly, truthfully, how long I've had this for, now... but I do know it's been a long time, and the signs have been there since early childhood.

I grew up in an ever so loving home. I had everything I ever needed and I was doing OK at school. I was always clean, I had a close relationship with my parents, I had a happy home, and I was always loved - so how did I end up like this?

I mean, there's no denying I've had some traumatic events in the past - but that's where it should be left, in the past, yet, I can't shrug that off my shoulders. It's there everyday, and the dark horse is always there to remind you of it; depression. Except, it plays on my mind... how did I end up caught in some very unfortunate events? All so close together. I look back on life and I remember, even down to my earliest memories, not all is as it seems, and the world can be an evil place full of people there who want to take advantage of you and your loved ones; because they think they can. They can't. It's not ok. It never will be.

Why did no one notice me? In Primary school I had all the warning signs and no one noticed. I'd sit in class, daydreaming, teachers constantly telling me off for it. I'd constantly be scared of other kids. Heck, at one point, I'd deliberately hit my head off some of the pillars on the structure of the school for a bit of extra attention, oh, and how can anyone forget, I used to always knot my hair, deliberately. It became a habit to the point school would contact mum - or vice versa.

Thankfully, my parents never had the misfortune of seeing me like that. At home there were no obvious warning signals, except I used to constantly hear voices and see lights and shadows follow me, but nothing that I would say out loud because I managed to get myself used to it - and I wished I told them sooner about the smallest of things that would make me like that.

I was always the 'outcast' kid at school. I never had any friends and I always got bullied, from Primary school all the way to Secondary - It never stopped. I always had an impulsive attitude, and I ended up getting so anxious, I avoided other kids and became addicted to playing laptop games from the age of 10. My Mum, bless her, always so oblivious to what was going on inside my head - She knew I was anxious of other kids and she knew I practically hid away - But she saw it as a way of me being safe - Out of sight, out of mind, whereas at home, at least she knows I'll be safe.

I remember feeling like the world ignored me - I felt like a ghost. All I ever wanted was for someone to reach out, and no one ever did; I had a lovely Mentor at school who I was able to confide in, but she was a family friend. I had a school nurse who I was able to talk about my anxious feelings about... But again, I couldn't properly reach out, whilst internally screaming for help.

That's the thing, it eats you up, and it starts of inside. Lot's of people I knew had coping mechanisms such as self harm or drugs or even smoking - not me. None of that appealed to me. I was just being eaten away inside and there was nowt I could do about it, but deal with it, one day at a time.

I went into Autopilot. I'd wake up, go to school, come back, go on computer, then go to bed. That was my life for 6 years. Pretty boring, huh? Yep. Very. At one stage at school, I'd leave at 7AM and be in school for 7.30, just to avoid everyone. My anxiety got that bad. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to do anything. I'd became so introverted, so quiet, I had no voice.

During my time in high school, I came across a lot of leaps and bounds - I lost my Nan, she was like a second mother to me, amazing. 6 months later, I nearly lost my brother as someone tried to murder him, and 6 months after that, I went to Isle Of Man where police suspected I was being groomed, and had to have a police escort home, and interviews by social services - and that was because, finally, for the first time in my life, I felt comfortable and confided in some people I saw as friends, yeah, I was 15 and this couple was 24 and 42 at the time... But that didn't matter to me, at the time... Years have passed and now I'm questioning whether I was or not. I see where authorities coming from, but at the same time, I don't. There's a lot of missing pieces in that puzzle - still. I just know during this time, my parents were at logger heads and it's the one thing my mum regrets most, but it was never her fault.

I was hoping college would be a better start for me, but my depression and anxiety was still bad, I started to discover I'd get very easily latched on to women to confide to - No matter what, men were a no go. I become attached - and I still do. It got to a point I wished time after time if I could not wake up, I got so fed up. I felt like a waste of space. I felt like my life was going to always be this way and I was always going to be a mess. I hated myself. My body. My face. Everything. I remember, March 2014, I had enough and I decided I needed more help. I finally got put on Medication, but that same month, I remember fearing going home one day to my mum being dead. I was 17.

It was March 17th, 9PM, and mum was screaming in Agony and I remember I was trying to sleep. In the end I gave up and went downstairs, eventually I called an ambulance, and 3 weeks in hospital found she had a Major Heart Attack in the past. She now has COPD, Angina, Arthiritis and Heart Failure. She was only 46 at the time.

I felt like I was going insane. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, and all I could think about was all those years being taken advantage of, not speaking up, not reaching out... not being noticed. I felt cursed, truly cursed. So much so Paranoia got so bad I began to think I was being watched. I'd get this feeling where I feel like someone was watching and listening to me... I felt like I was losing my mind.

It's been a few years, and whilst I went nearly 3 years without Medication, I decided to go back on it - I've managed to learn to control The Dark Horse Depression, but the anxiety is out of control. I get ridiculously Impulsive. I let people take advantage of me. And I'm scared to speak up. It got really, really bad. There are days where my heart will physically hurt, I've had checkups at hospitals to find that yes - My anxiety is real, because there's nothing wrong with my heart except a few abnormal heartbeats which was picked up - and that was caused by anxiety. I ended up becoming a binge eater for comfort and gained 4 stone from aged 15 to 17- I've now lost 3, but I am back to the size I was at 15. I have my days where I hate myself. I still wished I could control myself - And whilst I can, I also can't. I get the sudden urge and without thinking - I'll do something.

At least now I'm not scared to reach out and talk up. I'm now on Citalopram and Receiving CBT, here's to hope the future will be bright...

So here it is, still battling on.