Citalopram - Day 4

For some reason, My dreams were extremely vivid last night. I dreamt we were on a Greek island with my boyfriend and my boyfriend's sister and my dog got lost. We found them and decided to live it out with them although my boyfriend's sister had worn the same clothes all month. My dog was talking to me and telling me he hadn't taken his tablets (he has Syringomyelia and atopic dermatitis)... and they couldn't catch fish in the river they were living in so I ducked my head underwater and the river was dead. It was a extremely weird dream!

I woke up at 10am, wide awake which was nice. I managed to clean up the kitchen and read my book. I felt motivated. At 12pm, I took my tablets and sat down. It's new years eve so I'm in no rush for a few hours. Later, I did a load of washing.

A few hours after the meds began kicking in... so did the tiredness, And a much mild dizzy feeling... thankfully nowhere near what it has been. The fainting feeling bad dissapeared.

6pm I decided to get up and ready. By 7pm I was out the house and visited my uncle and cousin at the local pub, I stayed there until 9 of which I went to meet my boyfriend at his cousins.

It's still new years eve so I'm sat here having a few glasses of wine, except the drink is hitting me much harder this time and I already feel very tipsy. I've had 2 small glasses.

But here's my short blog for today. Wishing you all a Happy New year 2018,And this was short because I look anti social! Woo.

Citalopram - Day 3

So today I took my 3rd tablet. Same time again, 12pm.

I noticed I had lazed about too much the day previously that my step count of the month was suffering, and I have 36 hours to do 25000 steps. I can do this. I didn't want to for some reason, now Normally, I love walking.... but for the first time ever I just wanted to stay in and sleep or relax. I didn't want to be productive.

I decided to fight my inner demon and got up, got changed, brushed my hair which happened to be greasy - although I showered the day before... my hair is still going greasy after just 2 days! I give up with it. But I still got got myself out.

I put my headphones on and music on and began walking to the sound of trance beaming through my ears. I still struggled to keep motivated. I still wanted to be home. 2000 steps... I want to be done... 4000 steps... let's get to 8000 minimum I challenged myself, Actually, 10000. I continued walking and 8000 steps in, I realised I was right next to the bus station up Dudley, and that can get me home. I decided to hop on the bus and go - sure, I can do another 7000 or so later? Maybe?

Once I got in, I went upstairs and played the sims.  I couldn't concentrate. I created a large family and house on it and saved and quitted. That was it. I was done. I began reading my letter for my CBT to see where I had to go... then I realised it was dated the 20th, and I needed to have called them by the 27th with confirmation of said appointment - yet I didn't get the letter until the 28th. This set me in a crazy panic. My chest began to hurt. I began going very, very dizzy and I felt sick. I waited nearly 10 months for this and now I don't know whether my appointment is go ahead due to no fault of my own. I instantly called up Dudley Talking therapy and left a voicemail - it's Saturday so they aren't open... and it's new year... so the soonest I'll hear from them if I'm lucky is the 2nd Jan, Tuesday, a week before my first appointment... so of course, that inner anxiety is still there a lot. I had to ask someone for advice so I messaged my uni mentor, Jo, who advised me to leave a email, so I did as requested... and now it's the waiting game.

In order to wind down, I put on a trance mix and began reading one of the books I ordered yesterday, that came - it's about a girl who's brother takes advantage of her and she goes through DV with her husband - that's all I know so far! I read 4 chapters and about 1/6th of the book already. I got so hooked. But after it, I felt a little better.

I decided to go on another walk - mum asked me to go to Tesco so I took the long way round, so much so I managed to complete 7000 steps! Meaning tomorrow I only have to do 10000 steps before my 200000 monthly goal. I've really lazed around this month!

In regards to today's side effects- I've noticed a more intense anxiety, I've still felt a little dizzy, flashing lights are dazzling me and making the dizziness worse, and I've felt undriven and my heart is pounding and I'm more hypervigilant ... but haven't felt faint today, which is better.

Here's hoping the next few days continue to bring improvement and the deepening of some fade away!

Citalopram - Day 2

So today I decided to give it another go after the nasty experience yesterday.

But before that, I found I had a long 10 hours sleep so took both my pill and citalopram 30 minutes late! I Never sleep past 11am at the absolute latest, but I got up at 12.25! I decided for 'Brunch' I'll make myself a Ferraro Roche milkshake which actually turned out nice.

I decided to have a PJ day which is generally a rarity... but in new PJs, you just have to!

After 2 hours I noticed a feeling of me being tipsy, things would go a little slow for me. I decided to take it easy. Just short of 4 hours and every time I got up or had to do something the dizziness would begin, so I made sure to sit down most the day.

My appetite hardly exists. I've not really felt hungry or craved anything, which I don't generally mind but I'll still eat. Today I've had a handful of Pringles, ferraro milkshake, a fry up and a candy cane... not the healthiest of options but hey ho, still in the Christmas hols.

I do feel incredibly tired too. I have a minor headache and I'm about to have myself either a bath or shower. I'm yet to decide (or both!).

I'm feeling no mental effect on them yet, although deep down I feel sad in itself it's come to this in order for me to cope.

Citalopram - Day 1 - 10mg

So, today I finally started a new journey - The journey to wellbeing. Well, that's not fully true... I spent the whole summer focusing on me and my mind and body that it changed me a lot... however, no matter how hard I try, the anxiety is still deep within me, eating away and burning me alive, to the point I just had to take an alternative route.

I've been waiting for CBT since March... only yesterday did I get a letter for a date confirming- 9th Jan 2018 - but by this point, yesterday I told the doctor I can't continue feeling so worthless and scared and paranoid.

I'm in my final year of uni and all I keep doing is beating myself up. Constantly thinking I'm not good enough. Feeling jealous, Constantly, of other people's work. Knowing I should be there but for some reason I'm not- that reason, being my anxiety. It's stopped me reaching out and telling people what I want to do. It's stopped me working with people. Many projects I go alone. I feel like no one likes me. I feel ashamed i haven't got anything to show. I'm just... not happy. I've spent how much to go study at uni and I have nothing to show for it - that's what anxiety has done to me.

It's made me doubt myself so horribly, that next semester I've actually got to full on do my dissertation and project, and hands On, I'm petrified... and I can't do it without a little extra help. So today, I took my first citeralopram, 10mg.

I noticed the effects begin almost immediately. I started shaking - I thought this was just me thinking of potential side effects but the trembling carried on. I decided to go shopping but I've been lazy this month with it being Christmas and everything, so I walked just over 3 miles to the shopping center.. . I went into boux avenue to get my order, there was an issue and all of a sudden this hot flush came over me. I began feeling beyond sick. I suddenly felt my body weakening and my vision was slowly going to the center... I was blacking out. I walked away and squatted in the shop corner for a few seconds hoping someone would help me. I genuinely thought I was going to pass out and I desperately craved something cold, so I walked out, sat down for a minute, and then next to me was krispy kreme so I ordered a milkshake. Suddenly as I was being served.. the feeling began to build up in me. I quickly put my pin in the machine and walked away with my drink and sat back down.. drinking it slowly but constantly. It started cooling me down. Within 5 minutes I went back into boux avenue and back to the till.

I felt so over dramatic and embarrassed by the ordeal but I had to continue with my order, which eventually was sorted. I ended up being in and around there for a total of 45 minutes.

I decided to cut my Journey short. I couldn't stay shopping much longer and headed home - but I promised my mum milk and bread so had to run into asda on my way out as my bus was still 15 minutes away. I got vanilla icecream and nutella so I can make Ferraro milkshakes... safe to say I began feeling dizzy again so I left the queue and went to self service then walked out. Feeling the cold air hitting me as I get closer and closer to the exit. It really relaxed me.

I got home and sat down before heading out again and went up my boyfriend's. I I'd a bit of a headache coming on and I felt ridiculously tired.

I'm now at home, and I've struggled to even go and write this on my computer so I've had to download the app on my phone. I feel ridiculously tired and here's hoping i can sleep like a baby tonight... in more new PJs.

I contemplated taking another one tomorrow but I posted my symptoms in a girls group and it happens to be quite common, so I'm going to brave it again and I saw a post saying it takes 4 hours for it to be at its peak in your body - I took it at 12 and I was in boux at 4, so it must've been linked.

I'll continue updating you all on my little journey and thank you for reading!