So today I took my 3rd tablet. Same time again, 12pm.
I noticed I had lazed about too much the day previously that my step count of the month was suffering, and I have 36 hours to do 25000 steps. I can do this. I didn't want to for some reason, now Normally, I love walking.... but for the first time ever I just wanted to stay in and sleep or relax. I didn't want to be productive.
I decided to fight my inner demon and got up, got changed, brushed my hair which happened to be greasy - although I showered the day before... my hair is still going greasy after just 2 days! I give up with it. But I still got got myself out.
I put my headphones on and music on and began walking to the sound of trance beaming through my ears. I still struggled to keep motivated. I still wanted to be home. 2000 steps... I want to be done... 4000 steps... let's get to 8000 minimum I challenged myself, Actually, 10000. I continued walking and 8000 steps in, I realised I was right next to the bus station up Dudley, and that can get me home. I decided to hop on the bus and go - sure, I can do another 7000 or so later? Maybe?
Once I got in, I went upstairs and played the sims. I couldn't concentrate. I created a large family and house on it and saved and quitted. That was it. I was done. I began reading my letter for my CBT to see where I had to go... then I realised it was dated the 20th, and I needed to have called them by the 27th with confirmation of said appointment - yet I didn't get the letter until the 28th. This set me in a crazy panic. My chest began to hurt. I began going very, very dizzy and I felt sick. I waited nearly 10 months for this and now I don't know whether my appointment is go ahead due to no fault of my own. I instantly called up Dudley Talking therapy and left a voicemail - it's Saturday so they aren't open... and it's new year... so the soonest I'll hear from them if I'm lucky is the 2nd Jan, Tuesday, a week before my first appointment... so of course, that inner anxiety is still there a lot. I had to ask someone for advice so I messaged my uni mentor, Jo, who advised me to leave a email, so I did as requested... and now it's the waiting game.
In order to wind down, I put on a trance mix and began reading one of the books I ordered yesterday, that came - it's about a girl who's brother takes advantage of her and she goes through DV with her husband - that's all I know so far! I read 4 chapters and about 1/6th of the book already. I got so hooked. But after it, I felt a little better.
I decided to go on another walk - mum asked me to go to Tesco so I took the long way round, so much so I managed to complete 7000 steps! Meaning tomorrow I only have to do 10000 steps before my 200000 monthly goal. I've really lazed around this month!
In regards to today's side effects- I've noticed a more intense anxiety, I've still felt a little dizzy, flashing lights are dazzling me and making the dizziness worse, and I've felt undriven and my heart is pounding and I'm more hypervigilant ... but haven't felt faint today, which is better.
Here's hoping the next few days continue to bring improvement and the deepening of some fade away!
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