So, today I finally started a new journey - The journey to wellbeing. Well, that's not fully true... I spent the whole summer focusing on me and my mind and body that it changed me a lot... however, no matter how hard I try, the anxiety is still deep within me, eating away and burning me alive, to the point I just had to take an alternative route.
I've been waiting for CBT since March... only yesterday did I get a letter for a date confirming- 9th Jan 2018 - but by this point, yesterday I told the doctor I can't continue feeling so worthless and scared and paranoid.
I'm in my final year of uni and all I keep doing is beating myself up. Constantly thinking I'm not good enough. Feeling jealous, Constantly, of other people's work. Knowing I should be there but for some reason I'm not- that reason, being my anxiety. It's stopped me reaching out and telling people what I want to do. It's stopped me working with people. Many projects I go alone. I feel like no one likes me. I feel ashamed i haven't got anything to show. I'm just... not happy. I've spent how much to go study at uni and I have nothing to show for it - that's what anxiety has done to me.
It's made me doubt myself so horribly, that next semester I've actually got to full on do my dissertation and project, and hands On, I'm petrified... and I can't do it without a little extra help. So today, I took my first citeralopram, 10mg.
I noticed the effects begin almost immediately. I started shaking - I thought this was just me thinking of potential side effects but the trembling carried on. I decided to go shopping but I've been lazy this month with it being Christmas and everything, so I walked just over 3 miles to the shopping center.. . I went into boux avenue to get my order, there was an issue and all of a sudden this hot flush came over me. I began feeling beyond sick. I suddenly felt my body weakening and my vision was slowly going to the center... I was blacking out. I walked away and squatted in the shop corner for a few seconds hoping someone would help me. I genuinely thought I was going to pass out and I desperately craved something cold, so I walked out, sat down for a minute, and then next to me was krispy kreme so I ordered a milkshake. Suddenly as I was being served.. the feeling began to build up in me. I quickly put my pin in the machine and walked away with my drink and sat back down.. drinking it slowly but constantly. It started cooling me down. Within 5 minutes I went back into boux avenue and back to the till.
I felt so over dramatic and embarrassed by the ordeal but I had to continue with my order, which eventually was sorted. I ended up being in and around there for a total of 45 minutes.
I decided to cut my Journey short. I couldn't stay shopping much longer and headed home - but I promised my mum milk and bread so had to run into asda on my way out as my bus was still 15 minutes away. I got vanilla icecream and nutella so I can make Ferraro milkshakes... safe to say I began feeling dizzy again so I left the queue and went to self service then walked out. Feeling the cold air hitting me as I get closer and closer to the exit. It really relaxed me.
I got home and sat down before heading out again and went up my boyfriend's. I I'd a bit of a headache coming on and I felt ridiculously tired.
I'm now at home, and I've struggled to even go and write this on my computer so I've had to download the app on my phone. I feel ridiculously tired and here's hoping i can sleep like a baby tonight... in more new PJs.
I contemplated taking another one tomorrow but I posted my symptoms in a girls group and it happens to be quite common, so I'm going to brave it again and I saw a post saying it takes 4 hours for it to be at its peak in your body - I took it at 12 and I was in boux at 4, so it must've been linked.
I'll continue updating you all on my little journey and thank you for reading!
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