Why I'm scared to go back to University

Something that I have noticed whilst the day of me returning to University gets closer, is that I really don't want to go back - Not just that, but I'm simply not ready to. It's daunting on me like a wild animal, as though I'm trying to run away but it's getting closer and closer, and before I know it, I'm caught in the grips of it... and then I really have to try and battle my way through.

If you'd have spoken to me in the Summer, University could not come soon enough. I was beyond excited to go back and the thought of it would instantly make me feel buzzed. I really missed the atmosphere and the relationships I had a pleasure of building up during those final weeks with a range of staff.

Upon my return, the first couple weeks were alright, and then the workload hit me like a ton of bricks and all of a sudden I felt the weight drop, and I was on the heavy end. It's too much. 

My lecturers would try and reassure me, but they just couldn't. 9/10 they were busy themselves and that's fine, they have other commitments but little did they know that the workload was boiling away inside of me, and all of a sudden this fear, this anxiety came over me like a dark horse, shadowing me everywhere I go.

I tried to brush it off. I wanted to tell them I couldn't cope and the workload was too much - But I get fearful they'd tell me to take the rest of the year off and return, and whilst it's been tempting, on so many occasions, I just want it over and done with, and I want to graduate with most my class... They've who I've grown to love, each, in their own individual way - even if they don't feel the same way about me. Not only that, I can't bare the thought of sitting inside doing nothing all year, let's be real, I'd have to get a job to keep me going financially, and let's also be real - The best luck I'd get, would be in retail and the thought of that depresses me, so I'm staying, and battling through.

When the Christmas holidays came, I finally managed to relax - and I mean, really relax. Not care. Not think about uni work (Even though, deep inside, it was still in the back of my mind). Every time I thought about doing my work - my dissertation and project, I would feel a hot flush and extremely anxious, to the point mentally, I kept pushing it back, and then I realised - I can't continue like this. I need some extra help here...

That's why I decided that maybe I just need to give medication another go. I didn't want to and I tried so hard to stay off it - and I can live without it. But by living without it, I don't think I can get my university work done, and I'll keep having my impulsive and compulsive episodes, and they need to be stopped, or at least, not as severe.

Thankfully, I've also had the benefit of starting CBT. It's still early day's so I can't really report much on that - which started Tuesday, except it has made me look forward more towards my other sessions. My therapist seems like a lovely lady!

But today, my Mentor booked me in so we can sort out a plan for the year, and last night, before bed, my whole body dreaded with anxiety, again. 'I don't want to go in, I really don't', I'd tell myself, over and over again... I'm not ready. Even though today I wasn't starting my uni work, just the fact that now on, I'll be going in every week about 3 times a week and it may not seem like much - But the work load can become extremely overwhelming. I had a little panic attack on the way there, I started feeling very sick, my mind doing overtime.

I tried to go up to see my lecturers to ensure I'm doing OK on my dissertation and to give them an update on my emotional wellbeing - they weren't in, and that's fine. I did send them a couple emails over the holidays but they never replied which was pretty disheartening because I'm literally in desperate need for their help and support, I struggle daily with paranoia, about everything, at one point, for many years, felt like I was being watched, up until September, when it clicked - it's not possible. Anyway, one lecturer, absolutely lovely lady who's done a lot for me already - helped me through a rough situation over Spring and Summer, but as soon as I got to uni to start my final year, it was difficult for her to fit me in - understandably though, she had a lot of work, in and out of work, which I'm not mad about at all, these things happen - But I sort of felt almost like a burden. I started questioning the point in things, because there's nothing they can do, well, there is, but they don't have the time for me. I feel like I'm too much. I say it over and over again to myself, everyday - I'm too much for them. They don't deserve this. I'm just a student. Someone, eventually, they'll say goodbye to, as other students come in, and in 3, 5, 10 years time, I'll just be another 'student'... and possibly another statistic at that too.

Now, don't get me wrong, I want to stay at University... The place itself I love - Which is why I don't want to go back. Why? Well, It's my final year, and I'm coming into my second, and most important semester. After this semester, all of my work should be handed in, then I'll be onto the real world doing real things, and I'm hands on, not prepared for it. I'm scared. I missed out so much on a lot growing up - socially, that at university, I found it. I still feel very much in my 'youth', like a school kid, but at university - I've in a way, found myself, and the thought of everything is scary. I want to be the best, of the best, who doesn't? But the film industry is scaring me now. If I can't even get my uni work done, how will I ever succeed? I really, really, don't want to graduate with a 2:2, and certainly not a Third. I will break down more than anything. I really will. I'm trying to my absolute best ability to bring myself up to a 2:1, to the point I've put so much pressure upon myself, and that doesn't help - Because the pressure is going to be so much more intense in my second semester.

One lecturer said 'Demi, you're focusing too much on numbers, and that's where you're going wrong', as in, I'm focusing too much on my grade, that it's affecting me and it's not as important as it seems... but to me, it's a big deal. I'm tired, so damn tired of just 'passing' through everything. Through school, through college, I just got through and passed, I skimmed it. No, I want to be different this time, and I want to do myself proud and my family. I want my parents to have the benefit of telling people I at least got a 2:1 at uni. I want to have that pleasure of showing that off - Silly as it seems... it's a big deal for me. I just want to feel like it's valued - My brother, 3 years older than me, very smart man and has always exceeded beyond anyone's expectations, graduated from University with a First Class Honours, and the whole family is proud of him, they even celebrated with a meal - and that's what I want. I can celebrate a 2:1, I can't celebrate a 2:2 or below. I feel hardly up to industry standard. I guess that inner 'Jealousy' comes out, hey? But no, I am jealous, and proud, because he's achieved so much, and growing up, it caused me to be very competitive - he always won... and again, that's where I go wrong, and that's probably why I always hit this brick wall.

Life's taught me a lot, whilst my brother is extremely intelligent with numbers and coding and whatever else, my level of intelligence differs, I wouldn't know a thing or two about that - except basic math I guess... But mine is my Psychological - I feel I have more Psychological understanding than most people... almost like I can just understand a lot of people - even if I don't.

And now, knowing that, coming into my last few months at uni, and each day approaches, it's just a day closer to the never ending stress that will stretch me to my limit. One day close to me leaving. One day closer to me becoming another 'Statistic'. One day closer...

Citalopram - Day 10 - Intense.

I don't think I can truly sum up my feelings for today, except they felt a lot more intense than they have been for a while. I just know that university has been really stressing me out, and knowing I've only got 10 days before I'm back in class, back in that stress, and doing it all over again is honestly scary. This is the semester I can't afford to let depression or anxiety take over and that, more than anything, is petrifying.

I remember last night, I woke up in the night, it must have been between 3 and 6, as it was still pitch black out. I just remember Gordon Ramseys Kitchen Nightmare USA and that house buying programme was on... my mind fully awake throughout a good 2 hours I'd say. I couldn't get back to sleep and even though my eyes were closed, my mind was still very much awake and going through tons of scenario's in my head about... yep, uni.

In the Summer, the thought of going back to University was exciting and I couldn't understand why I never went much the first 2 years - and now, I'm starting to understand. The social aspect is wonderful and the campus itself is very comfortable, but I'm not ready to feel the pressure of having so much work to do and constantly being pressured to do things and feeling lost - almost as though I don't belong. I feel as though I don't belong. I still feel different to everyone else in class, if i'm honest. There's something about me that's different to everyone else, and part of that is me thinking I'm not good enough. I feel like a complete failure.

Whilst my grades for the first semester are looking promising, and I can achieve Firsts and 2:1's, I have nowt to show for it and I wished I reached out sooner for help at university - But no, I waited until April last year, and by then, I was finishing my second year. Too late.

And that's the thing. I'm fighting. I'm always bloody fighting. I'm always trying to keep myself on top and being as strong as I can be then I go home, I go to bed at night, and the reality of this crappy head of mine sets in. The self doubt is strong. I hate myself. I feel like I'll let everyone down, my family, my friends, my lecturers, myself.

It's a sad irony, I get so much reassurance, and it gives me a short, temporary, inspirational buzz, but then, even then I'm questioning how they see that in me? Do they really know how my head works? I can't keep myself focused and it's almost like my mind always wants to focus on the negative things. I try so hard to focus on the positives and I try to be so positive about things - I try so damn hard... but no matter how hard I try, I feel ridiculous.

I feel ridiculous, I feel like I'm an embarrassment at some point. I got bullied all through school to the point I still struggle, to this day, to talk to people like a normal 20 year old. I end up feeling really uncomfortable. I still find it really hard to hold out a conversation with my boyfriends family - I've been with him 2 years 8 months. I keep it short and sweet, always saying something wrong - without any bad intention, embarrassing myself or raising a few eyebrows. It's so hard. I just want to talk to people, have a normal conversation and actually know what I'm talking about. I get thrown so off guard so easily I can forget what I'm talking about - or even, how relevant what I'm talking about is.

It's a depression. It doesn't help that when I go to uni and crave so bad to talk to someone, but yet, to the point I even know I'm a burden to them. I try to stop myself but I just want a conversation, I want to feel human. But I can't. I feel so much of my life has been effected by the bullying, being mistreated by so many people, traumas, the past - that's what it is, and that's where I want to leave it - but how can I? When my past, is what's shaped my present, and my future.

To some, I come across confident. But I'm really not. I cannot look at someone in the eyes and hold a conversation. My eyes are staring all over the place and then I begin getting paranoid: Is this noticeable?  I start questioning myself.

These thoughts, they go on and on and on, it's a vicious, vicious circle... but now you've had an insight of what goes on in this little brain of mine when I'm quiet, when I'm staring into space, when I'm being ignored... oh, and that's barely even a quarter of it... never mind half. Welcome to my life.

Anyway, the sleep was so disturbed I woke up at 12:05PM. The latest I have in a long time... a few weeks ago, my days started at 8am and finished at 10PM... now my days finish at 2AM and start at 12PM. I hate that. My hands sweating, I'm assuming this is one side effect I've ignored - my hands are almost always sweating lately and it's really annoying! I constantly have to wash my hands as the sweat is making everything stick. Gross.

I took my tablet and gave my dog his, got changed and went up Dudley to get my boyfriends sister her birthday present, as it's her birthday today - I was up there for an hour but as I was shopping I received a call off my boyfriend, Brad... and unfortunately, my dog had a fit (He has Syringomyelia). It's his second one in 3 weeks, after nearly being fit free for a year and being on tablets - I've come to the conclusion his tablets don't work as they used to or his condition is worsening - which can result into a drill to his skull to relieve the pressure - which his dog-dad is currently undergoing treatment for as they believe he may have to have the operation and is being for the same condition. I booked him in for an earlier appointment to the vet tomorrow in hope that they just up his meds. People don't understand the sheer love I have for my dog, because that dog loves me and knows I'm his owner and it's an amazing feeling.

Anyhows, I got back and done my makeup, before going up Brads then out for a birthday meal with his family. I ordered a chicken and rib combo - 2 chicken skewers and BBQ Ribs with Chips, coleslaw, corn on the cob and Onion rings - I ate it all! It was so good. I then went back to Brads, had a glass of wine and spoke to his family for a  bit. By talk, I mean the above.

I couldn't help but feel really down. All I can think about is Uni. I'm not prepared for all this workload and pressure. Especially the project - Yes, I chose to do it... But no matter what I chose to do, i'd feel the same way... unless I work in a group - it's petrifying. I don't like directing. I don't like being the leader. That's not who I am in film - I like to stick to two things only - cinematography and editing. Sigh.

But now I'm home, in bed... and unable to sleep. My motivation is dead... but with a 9.30 start tomorrow, I guess I should probably get as much sleep as I can... if I can.

Hopefully tomorrow, I'll feel better.