So I've finally pulled the string and gone Decaf - Well, not entirely.
I've given myself a rule, a realistic rule, to not have caffeine after 12PM. Period. None. It's working well.
It all started almost 2 weeks ago. I went into CBT and my Therapist asked me how much coffee I have... then I was like 'Well, I have 2 or 3 latte's at uni a day, then 2 or 3 cups of teas, and sometimes a bottle of Pepsi Max' - She just looked at me. The first week I started CBT I was only having 3 cups of tea's a day, max, and maybe a Pepsi Max... But suddenly I've almost doubled my caffeine in the space of a few weeks. Seamlessly, mind. She was a bit surprised, and then she told me a Latte is 2 shots of Espresso normally! Well, I had no idea! I thought it was just a normal coffee shot with milk instead of water... turns out I was pretty wrong. She told me to go Decaf if possible. Even if I cut most the caffeine out.
I stick to promises as much as I could, and as soon as that session finished, I went straight to Asda, and yes, Brought myself Decaf tea... the most annoying bit? The price of the stuff! It was almost a quid more than the normal tea. Daylight robbery!
Why do I have so much coffee/tea? Well, it's simple. I'm a student. No, seriously, if I was at home or in a job I wouldn't drink as much to keep me awake. I'm tired most the day, or depressed, or sluggish, so it gives me that buzz I need! Except the fact I'd be more aware of things going on, and a little bit shaky, and unable to keep still... But at least I had energy. At least.
The first day going Decaf, cold turkey, was simply insane. It was a Friday and I went to uni, I seriously didn't think I was addicted, not one bit. It's just a drink I'd tell myself. I'd convince myself I couldn't be addicted. I don't have anything that makes me wanna drink it except taste. I have all sorts of Lattes - Caramel, Hazelnut, Cinnamon, Chai, Salted Caramel, Vanilla, Gingerbread... the lot. Anyhow's, I brought a decaf latte from the uni, drank it... By 12PM, I felt agitated, I felt tired, I had an headache, and I just wanted to tell my lecturer I didn't really care because I'm exhausted and feel like crap... then it clicked... this, suddenly, out of nowhere? The cause... I needed a fix! I went to the Costa and brought myself a latte. I couldn't cope. This was stupid and I was so annoyed with myself.
After that, I decided 1 or 2 caffeine drinks a day, before 12PM. Some days I'll have a tea, some days a latte, some days both, but it must be before 12PM, it must be finished before 12PM, and it mustn't exceed 2. It's a lot easier.
It's been 10 days now, and finally I'm sleeping a lot better, this morning, I woke up suddenly feeling ever so awake like I'd never been before. I felt good. I slept well in the night for the first time in ages - Only waking up once, for my dog, rather than several times for different reasons.
I don't think Caffeine is bad. I know in the summer I'll need that cold fix and when it comes to cold drinks, there's not much sugar free I like except Pepsi Max, and I don't like the thought of all that sugar going in my system from other pops and drinks... So i know I'll be having a Pepsi Max or two daily and cut out the Latte's and Tea's, or at least cut down. At the moment, the warmth is mainly comfort.
Yes, I've become that weird one that goes to a café and ask for a Skinny Decaf Sugar Free Vanilla Latte, Regular. YES I am that irritating one. And no, I don't care, because I love the taste and I don't want to put weight on. It's a win - win in my eyes!
Well, win for me, not so much for the person serving me who looks blankly as if I've just killed a man or something. But ok.
3 Months into my meds too. It's going alright I guess. I mean, I'm alright I think. I'm also nearly 3 months into my CBT. I feel good at the moment, and that's always good.
Sorry about the lack of updates too. I'm still on top of my work - And I intend keeping that way. I've got 5 weeks left of uni, so the next time I update this may be once I'm done, or just before. So keep your eyes peeled! Who knows where my stress levels take me? Hopefully they don't tear me down!
Showing posts with label CBT. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CBT. Show all posts
Tuesday, 20 March 2018
Thursday, 11 January 2018
Why I'm scared to go back to University
Something that I have noticed whilst the day of me returning to University gets closer, is that I really don't want to go back - Not just that, but I'm simply not ready to. It's daunting on me like a wild animal, as though I'm trying to run away but it's getting closer and closer, and before I know it, I'm caught in the grips of it... and then I really have to try and battle my way through.
If you'd have spoken to me in the Summer, University could not come soon enough. I was beyond excited to go back and the thought of it would instantly make me feel buzzed. I really missed the atmosphere and the relationships I had a pleasure of building up during those final weeks with a range of staff.
Upon my return, the first couple weeks were alright, and then the workload hit me like a ton of bricks and all of a sudden I felt the weight drop, and I was on the heavy end. It's too much.
My lecturers would try and reassure me, but they just couldn't. 9/10 they were busy themselves and that's fine, they have other commitments but little did they know that the workload was boiling away inside of me, and all of a sudden this fear, this anxiety came over me like a dark horse, shadowing me everywhere I go.
I tried to brush it off. I wanted to tell them I couldn't cope and the workload was too much - But I get fearful they'd tell me to take the rest of the year off and return, and whilst it's been tempting, on so many occasions, I just want it over and done with, and I want to graduate with most my class... They've who I've grown to love, each, in their own individual way - even if they don't feel the same way about me. Not only that, I can't bare the thought of sitting inside doing nothing all year, let's be real, I'd have to get a job to keep me going financially, and let's also be real - The best luck I'd get, would be in retail and the thought of that depresses me, so I'm staying, and battling through.
When the Christmas holidays came, I finally managed to relax - and I mean, really relax. Not care. Not think about uni work (Even though, deep inside, it was still in the back of my mind). Every time I thought about doing my work - my dissertation and project, I would feel a hot flush and extremely anxious, to the point mentally, I kept pushing it back, and then I realised - I can't continue like this. I need some extra help here...
That's why I decided that maybe I just need to give medication another go. I didn't want to and I tried so hard to stay off it - and I can live without it. But by living without it, I don't think I can get my university work done, and I'll keep having my impulsive and compulsive episodes, and they need to be stopped, or at least, not as severe.
Thankfully, I've also had the benefit of starting CBT. It's still early day's so I can't really report much on that - which started Tuesday, except it has made me look forward more towards my other sessions. My therapist seems like a lovely lady!
But today, my Mentor booked me in so we can sort out a plan for the year, and last night, before bed, my whole body dreaded with anxiety, again. 'I don't want to go in, I really don't', I'd tell myself, over and over again... I'm not ready. Even though today I wasn't starting my uni work, just the fact that now on, I'll be going in every week about 3 times a week and it may not seem like much - But the work load can become extremely overwhelming. I had a little panic attack on the way there, I started feeling very sick, my mind doing overtime.
I tried to go up to see my lecturers to ensure I'm doing OK on my dissertation and to give them an update on my emotional wellbeing - they weren't in, and that's fine. I did send them a couple emails over the holidays but they never replied which was pretty disheartening because I'm literally in desperate need for their help and support, I struggle daily with paranoia, about everything, at one point, for many years, felt like I was being watched, up until September, when it clicked - it's not possible. Anyway, one lecturer, absolutely lovely lady who's done a lot for me already - helped me through a rough situation over Spring and Summer, but as soon as I got to uni to start my final year, it was difficult for her to fit me in - understandably though, she had a lot of work, in and out of work, which I'm not mad about at all, these things happen - But I sort of felt almost like a burden. I started questioning the point in things, because there's nothing they can do, well, there is, but they don't have the time for me. I feel like I'm too much. I say it over and over again to myself, everyday - I'm too much for them. They don't deserve this. I'm just a student. Someone, eventually, they'll say goodbye to, as other students come in, and in 3, 5, 10 years time, I'll just be another 'student'... and possibly another statistic at that too.
Now, don't get me wrong, I want to stay at University... The place itself I love - Which is why I don't want to go back. Why? Well, It's my final year, and I'm coming into my second, and most important semester. After this semester, all of my work should be handed in, then I'll be onto the real world doing real things, and I'm hands on, not prepared for it. I'm scared. I missed out so much on a lot growing up - socially, that at university, I found it. I still feel very much in my 'youth', like a school kid, but at university - I've in a way, found myself, and the thought of everything is scary. I want to be the best, of the best, who doesn't? But the film industry is scaring me now. If I can't even get my uni work done, how will I ever succeed? I really, really, don't want to graduate with a 2:2, and certainly not a Third. I will break down more than anything. I really will. I'm trying to my absolute best ability to bring myself up to a 2:1, to the point I've put so much pressure upon myself, and that doesn't help - Because the pressure is going to be so much more intense in my second semester.
One lecturer said 'Demi, you're focusing too much on numbers, and that's where you're going wrong', as in, I'm focusing too much on my grade, that it's affecting me and it's not as important as it seems... but to me, it's a big deal. I'm tired, so damn tired of just 'passing' through everything. Through school, through college, I just got through and passed, I skimmed it. No, I want to be different this time, and I want to do myself proud and my family. I want my parents to have the benefit of telling people I at least got a 2:1 at uni. I want to have that pleasure of showing that off - Silly as it seems... it's a big deal for me. I just want to feel like it's valued - My brother, 3 years older than me, very smart man and has always exceeded beyond anyone's expectations, graduated from University with a First Class Honours, and the whole family is proud of him, they even celebrated with a meal - and that's what I want. I can celebrate a 2:1, I can't celebrate a 2:2 or below. I feel hardly up to industry standard. I guess that inner 'Jealousy' comes out, hey? But no, I am jealous, and proud, because he's achieved so much, and growing up, it caused me to be very competitive - he always won... and again, that's where I go wrong, and that's probably why I always hit this brick wall.
Life's taught me a lot, whilst my brother is extremely intelligent with numbers and coding and whatever else, my level of intelligence differs, I wouldn't know a thing or two about that - except basic math I guess... But mine is my Psychological - I feel I have more Psychological understanding than most people... almost like I can just understand a lot of people - even if I don't.
And now, knowing that, coming into my last few months at uni, and each day approaches, it's just a day closer to the never ending stress that will stretch me to my limit. One day close to me leaving. One day closer to me becoming another 'Statistic'. One day closer...
If you'd have spoken to me in the Summer, University could not come soon enough. I was beyond excited to go back and the thought of it would instantly make me feel buzzed. I really missed the atmosphere and the relationships I had a pleasure of building up during those final weeks with a range of staff.
Upon my return, the first couple weeks were alright, and then the workload hit me like a ton of bricks and all of a sudden I felt the weight drop, and I was on the heavy end. It's too much.
My lecturers would try and reassure me, but they just couldn't. 9/10 they were busy themselves and that's fine, they have other commitments but little did they know that the workload was boiling away inside of me, and all of a sudden this fear, this anxiety came over me like a dark horse, shadowing me everywhere I go.
I tried to brush it off. I wanted to tell them I couldn't cope and the workload was too much - But I get fearful they'd tell me to take the rest of the year off and return, and whilst it's been tempting, on so many occasions, I just want it over and done with, and I want to graduate with most my class... They've who I've grown to love, each, in their own individual way - even if they don't feel the same way about me. Not only that, I can't bare the thought of sitting inside doing nothing all year, let's be real, I'd have to get a job to keep me going financially, and let's also be real - The best luck I'd get, would be in retail and the thought of that depresses me, so I'm staying, and battling through.
When the Christmas holidays came, I finally managed to relax - and I mean, really relax. Not care. Not think about uni work (Even though, deep inside, it was still in the back of my mind). Every time I thought about doing my work - my dissertation and project, I would feel a hot flush and extremely anxious, to the point mentally, I kept pushing it back, and then I realised - I can't continue like this. I need some extra help here...
That's why I decided that maybe I just need to give medication another go. I didn't want to and I tried so hard to stay off it - and I can live without it. But by living without it, I don't think I can get my university work done, and I'll keep having my impulsive and compulsive episodes, and they need to be stopped, or at least, not as severe.
Thankfully, I've also had the benefit of starting CBT. It's still early day's so I can't really report much on that - which started Tuesday, except it has made me look forward more towards my other sessions. My therapist seems like a lovely lady!
But today, my Mentor booked me in so we can sort out a plan for the year, and last night, before bed, my whole body dreaded with anxiety, again. 'I don't want to go in, I really don't', I'd tell myself, over and over again... I'm not ready. Even though today I wasn't starting my uni work, just the fact that now on, I'll be going in every week about 3 times a week and it may not seem like much - But the work load can become extremely overwhelming. I had a little panic attack on the way there, I started feeling very sick, my mind doing overtime.
I tried to go up to see my lecturers to ensure I'm doing OK on my dissertation and to give them an update on my emotional wellbeing - they weren't in, and that's fine. I did send them a couple emails over the holidays but they never replied which was pretty disheartening because I'm literally in desperate need for their help and support, I struggle daily with paranoia, about everything, at one point, for many years, felt like I was being watched, up until September, when it clicked - it's not possible. Anyway, one lecturer, absolutely lovely lady who's done a lot for me already - helped me through a rough situation over Spring and Summer, but as soon as I got to uni to start my final year, it was difficult for her to fit me in - understandably though, she had a lot of work, in and out of work, which I'm not mad about at all, these things happen - But I sort of felt almost like a burden. I started questioning the point in things, because there's nothing they can do, well, there is, but they don't have the time for me. I feel like I'm too much. I say it over and over again to myself, everyday - I'm too much for them. They don't deserve this. I'm just a student. Someone, eventually, they'll say goodbye to, as other students come in, and in 3, 5, 10 years time, I'll just be another 'student'... and possibly another statistic at that too.
Now, don't get me wrong, I want to stay at University... The place itself I love - Which is why I don't want to go back. Why? Well, It's my final year, and I'm coming into my second, and most important semester. After this semester, all of my work should be handed in, then I'll be onto the real world doing real things, and I'm hands on, not prepared for it. I'm scared. I missed out so much on a lot growing up - socially, that at university, I found it. I still feel very much in my 'youth', like a school kid, but at university - I've in a way, found myself, and the thought of everything is scary. I want to be the best, of the best, who doesn't? But the film industry is scaring me now. If I can't even get my uni work done, how will I ever succeed? I really, really, don't want to graduate with a 2:2, and certainly not a Third. I will break down more than anything. I really will. I'm trying to my absolute best ability to bring myself up to a 2:1, to the point I've put so much pressure upon myself, and that doesn't help - Because the pressure is going to be so much more intense in my second semester.
One lecturer said 'Demi, you're focusing too much on numbers, and that's where you're going wrong', as in, I'm focusing too much on my grade, that it's affecting me and it's not as important as it seems... but to me, it's a big deal. I'm tired, so damn tired of just 'passing' through everything. Through school, through college, I just got through and passed, I skimmed it. No, I want to be different this time, and I want to do myself proud and my family. I want my parents to have the benefit of telling people I at least got a 2:1 at uni. I want to have that pleasure of showing that off - Silly as it seems... it's a big deal for me. I just want to feel like it's valued - My brother, 3 years older than me, very smart man and has always exceeded beyond anyone's expectations, graduated from University with a First Class Honours, and the whole family is proud of him, they even celebrated with a meal - and that's what I want. I can celebrate a 2:1, I can't celebrate a 2:2 or below. I feel hardly up to industry standard. I guess that inner 'Jealousy' comes out, hey? But no, I am jealous, and proud, because he's achieved so much, and growing up, it caused me to be very competitive - he always won... and again, that's where I go wrong, and that's probably why I always hit this brick wall.
Life's taught me a lot, whilst my brother is extremely intelligent with numbers and coding and whatever else, my level of intelligence differs, I wouldn't know a thing or two about that - except basic math I guess... But mine is my Psychological - I feel I have more Psychological understanding than most people... almost like I can just understand a lot of people - even if I don't.
And now, knowing that, coming into my last few months at uni, and each day approaches, it's just a day closer to the never ending stress that will stretch me to my limit. One day close to me leaving. One day closer to me becoming another 'Statistic'. One day closer...
Sunday, 7 January 2018
Citalopram - Day 11 - I'm not even sure!
I had to get up pretty early than normal today - 9:30! Marley had to be at the Vets for 11 so I did my hair and got changed. I thought I'd wait and get the 10:40 bus, so I looked on the App to make sure a bus was due and oh - It's Sunday! The bus next was due in 8 minutes (10:27) and the one after that was due at 11:27! I quickly threw my Coat on, got my shoes on, and got the dogs lead on before leaving.. and I'd not long made myself a cup of tea so had to down that too! - All that took just a short 3 minutes and the bus stop thankfully is over the road from me, so I made it.
As I got to the Vets, they upped Marley's tablets to 60mg on the epiphen rather than 30mg daily. I was back home by 11:30 and made myself a cup of tea.
As normal, 12PM came and I took my usual dose and then I cleaned up the Kitchen and Brad did the Living room for Mum and Dad whilst they went out for a meal with my brother and Sister-in-Law. Thankfully, tea was sorted for me as I was having it up Brad's today and he lives a street away from me, so as soon as we cleaned we left to Brad's and had a nice Sunday Roast.
As I was worried the dogs were left alone (Mum and mine), I went straight back to mine but thankfully mum was back and she and my Sister-in-law, Clare, were cleaning the room.
For some reason, today I've wanted to do nothing. So once everything was done and dusted, I decided to do the usual - nothing. I'm finding this a lot more recently, but I feel a little bit empty - But I know, eventually I'll be ok.
My nieces and Nephew came round too, of course, bundled with joy and love. My niece has such a lovely bond with me. I'm currently working on a big blog about.. everything... i've been feeling and thinking over the past few years and months. I hope to get that published soon if possible.
As I got to the Vets, they upped Marley's tablets to 60mg on the epiphen rather than 30mg daily. I was back home by 11:30 and made myself a cup of tea.
As normal, 12PM came and I took my usual dose and then I cleaned up the Kitchen and Brad did the Living room for Mum and Dad whilst they went out for a meal with my brother and Sister-in-Law. Thankfully, tea was sorted for me as I was having it up Brad's today and he lives a street away from me, so as soon as we cleaned we left to Brad's and had a nice Sunday Roast.
As I was worried the dogs were left alone (Mum and mine), I went straight back to mine but thankfully mum was back and she and my Sister-in-law, Clare, were cleaning the room.
For some reason, today I've wanted to do nothing. So once everything was done and dusted, I decided to do the usual - nothing. I'm finding this a lot more recently, but I feel a little bit empty - But I know, eventually I'll be ok.
My nieces and Nephew came round too, of course, bundled with joy and love. My niece has such a lovely bond with me. I'm currently working on a big blog about.. everything... i've been feeling and thinking over the past few years and months. I hope to get that published soon if possible.
Saturday, 6 January 2018
Citalopram - Day 10 - Intense.
I don't think I can truly sum up my feelings for today, except they felt a lot more intense than they have been for a while. I just know that university has been really stressing me out, and knowing I've only got 10 days before I'm back in class, back in that stress, and doing it all over again is honestly scary. This is the semester I can't afford to let depression or anxiety take over and that, more than anything, is petrifying.
I remember last night, I woke up in the night, it must have been between 3 and 6, as it was still pitch black out. I just remember Gordon Ramseys Kitchen Nightmare USA and that house buying programme was on... my mind fully awake throughout a good 2 hours I'd say. I couldn't get back to sleep and even though my eyes were closed, my mind was still very much awake and going through tons of scenario's in my head about... yep, uni.
In the Summer, the thought of going back to University was exciting and I couldn't understand why I never went much the first 2 years - and now, I'm starting to understand. The social aspect is wonderful and the campus itself is very comfortable, but I'm not ready to feel the pressure of having so much work to do and constantly being pressured to do things and feeling lost - almost as though I don't belong. I feel as though I don't belong. I still feel different to everyone else in class, if i'm honest. There's something about me that's different to everyone else, and part of that is me thinking I'm not good enough. I feel like a complete failure.
Whilst my grades for the first semester are looking promising, and I can achieve Firsts and 2:1's, I have nowt to show for it and I wished I reached out sooner for help at university - But no, I waited until April last year, and by then, I was finishing my second year. Too late.
And that's the thing. I'm fighting. I'm always bloody fighting. I'm always trying to keep myself on top and being as strong as I can be then I go home, I go to bed at night, and the reality of this crappy head of mine sets in. The self doubt is strong. I hate myself. I feel like I'll let everyone down, my family, my friends, my lecturers, myself.
It's a sad irony, I get so much reassurance, and it gives me a short, temporary, inspirational buzz, but then, even then I'm questioning how they see that in me? Do they really know how my head works? I can't keep myself focused and it's almost like my mind always wants to focus on the negative things. I try so hard to focus on the positives and I try to be so positive about things - I try so damn hard... but no matter how hard I try, I feel ridiculous.
I feel ridiculous, I feel like I'm an embarrassment at some point. I got bullied all through school to the point I still struggle, to this day, to talk to people like a normal 20 year old. I end up feeling really uncomfortable. I still find it really hard to hold out a conversation with my boyfriends family - I've been with him 2 years 8 months. I keep it short and sweet, always saying something wrong - without any bad intention, embarrassing myself or raising a few eyebrows. It's so hard. I just want to talk to people, have a normal conversation and actually know what I'm talking about. I get thrown so off guard so easily I can forget what I'm talking about - or even, how relevant what I'm talking about is.
It's a depression. It doesn't help that when I go to uni and crave so bad to talk to someone, but yet, to the point I even know I'm a burden to them. I try to stop myself but I just want a conversation, I want to feel human. But I can't. I feel so much of my life has been effected by the bullying, being mistreated by so many people, traumas, the past - that's what it is, and that's where I want to leave it - but how can I? When my past, is what's shaped my present, and my future.
To some, I come across confident. But I'm really not. I cannot look at someone in the eyes and hold a conversation. My eyes are staring all over the place and then I begin getting paranoid: Is this noticeable? I start questioning myself.
These thoughts, they go on and on and on, it's a vicious, vicious circle... but now you've had an insight of what goes on in this little brain of mine when I'm quiet, when I'm staring into space, when I'm being ignored... oh, and that's barely even a quarter of it... never mind half. Welcome to my life.
Anyway, the sleep was so disturbed I woke up at 12:05PM. The latest I have in a long time... a few weeks ago, my days started at 8am and finished at 10PM... now my days finish at 2AM and start at 12PM. I hate that. My hands sweating, I'm assuming this is one side effect I've ignored - my hands are almost always sweating lately and it's really annoying! I constantly have to wash my hands as the sweat is making everything stick. Gross.
I took my tablet and gave my dog his, got changed and went up Dudley to get my boyfriends sister her birthday present, as it's her birthday today - I was up there for an hour but as I was shopping I received a call off my boyfriend, Brad... and unfortunately, my dog had a fit (He has Syringomyelia). It's his second one in 3 weeks, after nearly being fit free for a year and being on tablets - I've come to the conclusion his tablets don't work as they used to or his condition is worsening - which can result into a drill to his skull to relieve the pressure - which his dog-dad is currently undergoing treatment for as they believe he may have to have the operation and is being for the same condition. I booked him in for an earlier appointment to the vet tomorrow in hope that they just up his meds. People don't understand the sheer love I have for my dog, because that dog loves me and knows I'm his owner and it's an amazing feeling.
Anyhows, I got back and done my makeup, before going up Brads then out for a birthday meal with his family. I ordered a chicken and rib combo - 2 chicken skewers and BBQ Ribs with Chips, coleslaw, corn on the cob and Onion rings - I ate it all! It was so good. I then went back to Brads, had a glass of wine and spoke to his family for a bit. By talk, I mean the above.
I couldn't help but feel really down. All I can think about is Uni. I'm not prepared for all this workload and pressure. Especially the project - Yes, I chose to do it... But no matter what I chose to do, i'd feel the same way... unless I work in a group - it's petrifying. I don't like directing. I don't like being the leader. That's not who I am in film - I like to stick to two things only - cinematography and editing. Sigh.
But now I'm home, in bed... and unable to sleep. My motivation is dead... but with a 9.30 start tomorrow, I guess I should probably get as much sleep as I can... if I can.
Hopefully tomorrow, I'll feel better.
I remember last night, I woke up in the night, it must have been between 3 and 6, as it was still pitch black out. I just remember Gordon Ramseys Kitchen Nightmare USA and that house buying programme was on... my mind fully awake throughout a good 2 hours I'd say. I couldn't get back to sleep and even though my eyes were closed, my mind was still very much awake and going through tons of scenario's in my head about... yep, uni.
In the Summer, the thought of going back to University was exciting and I couldn't understand why I never went much the first 2 years - and now, I'm starting to understand. The social aspect is wonderful and the campus itself is very comfortable, but I'm not ready to feel the pressure of having so much work to do and constantly being pressured to do things and feeling lost - almost as though I don't belong. I feel as though I don't belong. I still feel different to everyone else in class, if i'm honest. There's something about me that's different to everyone else, and part of that is me thinking I'm not good enough. I feel like a complete failure.
Whilst my grades for the first semester are looking promising, and I can achieve Firsts and 2:1's, I have nowt to show for it and I wished I reached out sooner for help at university - But no, I waited until April last year, and by then, I was finishing my second year. Too late.
And that's the thing. I'm fighting. I'm always bloody fighting. I'm always trying to keep myself on top and being as strong as I can be then I go home, I go to bed at night, and the reality of this crappy head of mine sets in. The self doubt is strong. I hate myself. I feel like I'll let everyone down, my family, my friends, my lecturers, myself.
It's a sad irony, I get so much reassurance, and it gives me a short, temporary, inspirational buzz, but then, even then I'm questioning how they see that in me? Do they really know how my head works? I can't keep myself focused and it's almost like my mind always wants to focus on the negative things. I try so hard to focus on the positives and I try to be so positive about things - I try so damn hard... but no matter how hard I try, I feel ridiculous.
I feel ridiculous, I feel like I'm an embarrassment at some point. I got bullied all through school to the point I still struggle, to this day, to talk to people like a normal 20 year old. I end up feeling really uncomfortable. I still find it really hard to hold out a conversation with my boyfriends family - I've been with him 2 years 8 months. I keep it short and sweet, always saying something wrong - without any bad intention, embarrassing myself or raising a few eyebrows. It's so hard. I just want to talk to people, have a normal conversation and actually know what I'm talking about. I get thrown so off guard so easily I can forget what I'm talking about - or even, how relevant what I'm talking about is.
It's a depression. It doesn't help that when I go to uni and crave so bad to talk to someone, but yet, to the point I even know I'm a burden to them. I try to stop myself but I just want a conversation, I want to feel human. But I can't. I feel so much of my life has been effected by the bullying, being mistreated by so many people, traumas, the past - that's what it is, and that's where I want to leave it - but how can I? When my past, is what's shaped my present, and my future.
To some, I come across confident. But I'm really not. I cannot look at someone in the eyes and hold a conversation. My eyes are staring all over the place and then I begin getting paranoid: Is this noticeable? I start questioning myself.
These thoughts, they go on and on and on, it's a vicious, vicious circle... but now you've had an insight of what goes on in this little brain of mine when I'm quiet, when I'm staring into space, when I'm being ignored... oh, and that's barely even a quarter of it... never mind half. Welcome to my life.
Anyway, the sleep was so disturbed I woke up at 12:05PM. The latest I have in a long time... a few weeks ago, my days started at 8am and finished at 10PM... now my days finish at 2AM and start at 12PM. I hate that. My hands sweating, I'm assuming this is one side effect I've ignored - my hands are almost always sweating lately and it's really annoying! I constantly have to wash my hands as the sweat is making everything stick. Gross.
I took my tablet and gave my dog his, got changed and went up Dudley to get my boyfriends sister her birthday present, as it's her birthday today - I was up there for an hour but as I was shopping I received a call off my boyfriend, Brad... and unfortunately, my dog had a fit (He has Syringomyelia). It's his second one in 3 weeks, after nearly being fit free for a year and being on tablets - I've come to the conclusion his tablets don't work as they used to or his condition is worsening - which can result into a drill to his skull to relieve the pressure - which his dog-dad is currently undergoing treatment for as they believe he may have to have the operation and is being for the same condition. I booked him in for an earlier appointment to the vet tomorrow in hope that they just up his meds. People don't understand the sheer love I have for my dog, because that dog loves me and knows I'm his owner and it's an amazing feeling.
Anyhows, I got back and done my makeup, before going up Brads then out for a birthday meal with his family. I ordered a chicken and rib combo - 2 chicken skewers and BBQ Ribs with Chips, coleslaw, corn on the cob and Onion rings - I ate it all! It was so good. I then went back to Brads, had a glass of wine and spoke to his family for a bit. By talk, I mean the above.
I couldn't help but feel really down. All I can think about is Uni. I'm not prepared for all this workload and pressure. Especially the project - Yes, I chose to do it... But no matter what I chose to do, i'd feel the same way... unless I work in a group - it's petrifying. I don't like directing. I don't like being the leader. That's not who I am in film - I like to stick to two things only - cinematography and editing. Sigh.
But now I'm home, in bed... and unable to sleep. My motivation is dead... but with a 9.30 start tomorrow, I guess I should probably get as much sleep as I can... if I can.
Hopefully tomorrow, I'll feel better.
Friday, 5 January 2018
Citalopram - Day 9 - Getting things done
I feel like life is flying by rather quickly. 9 Days already I've been taking this tablet. Still on 10mg so it probably isn't affecting me as much as the regular dose should be.
I struggled again to get out of bed. My dreams are still incredibly vivid and strange. I'll dream of things I always worry about which is unusual, from failing my university course and not graduating, to finding out I'm having a baby (which I'm not quite ready for), to even all my hair falling out and balding. Last night, I had another dream where my hair was coming out. I was looking in the mirror in this dream and my hair was coming out in chunks and I was going bald - Like what you see in those dodgy horror movies.
I'm still not quite sure what's going on with my body - I do know, however, I haven't had any impulses - which is normally a common thing for me. I can get pretty impulsive, but since taking this I haven't been impulsive at all. I've felt no sudden urge to do nothing and I just feel in a constant daze - sort of.
I'm losing weight too, which is unusual to say I've been eating crap for the last month due to Christmas. I've not gained anything which you'd expect, although over the summer I lose 3 stone, so I was very surprised to not gain anything. If anything, since the other day, I've lost 2lbs even though I'm eating easily a tub of pringles nearly every day, I'm having take aways and McDonalds, and even brownies. I'll try not jinx myself though. I only have 10lbs to lose before I'm truly happy.
I've had yet, another lazy day. I spent the afternoon playing games again and set myself a little goal - Today I will start my dissertation. Come nearly 7PM, I finally managed to get a start on my dissertation after spending an hour staring at books and a screen not knowing what the hell I've got to do. But I'm glad now, because I managed to type up 700 words, which has put my dissertation total to 800 - 1/10th of what it needs to be by May. The relief when I at least managed to get something done was amazing. It felt truly rewarding and to think I'd spent months putting it off - Finally, I have something written and I enjoyed it more than I thought. Even though I did have a bit of writers block - or just the fact I didn't know what I was doing. Reading the dissertation my lecture gave me to go from over, and over, and over again trying to understand the style.
I cleaned up the Kitchen again but again, another day where the side effects have thankfully been minimal. I'm out and about tomorrow for a meal and whatever else... but things are slowly getting there!!
I struggled again to get out of bed. My dreams are still incredibly vivid and strange. I'll dream of things I always worry about which is unusual, from failing my university course and not graduating, to finding out I'm having a baby (which I'm not quite ready for), to even all my hair falling out and balding. Last night, I had another dream where my hair was coming out. I was looking in the mirror in this dream and my hair was coming out in chunks and I was going bald - Like what you see in those dodgy horror movies.
I'm still not quite sure what's going on with my body - I do know, however, I haven't had any impulses - which is normally a common thing for me. I can get pretty impulsive, but since taking this I haven't been impulsive at all. I've felt no sudden urge to do nothing and I just feel in a constant daze - sort of.
I'm losing weight too, which is unusual to say I've been eating crap for the last month due to Christmas. I've not gained anything which you'd expect, although over the summer I lose 3 stone, so I was very surprised to not gain anything. If anything, since the other day, I've lost 2lbs even though I'm eating easily a tub of pringles nearly every day, I'm having take aways and McDonalds, and even brownies. I'll try not jinx myself though. I only have 10lbs to lose before I'm truly happy.
I've had yet, another lazy day. I spent the afternoon playing games again and set myself a little goal - Today I will start my dissertation. Come nearly 7PM, I finally managed to get a start on my dissertation after spending an hour staring at books and a screen not knowing what the hell I've got to do. But I'm glad now, because I managed to type up 700 words, which has put my dissertation total to 800 - 1/10th of what it needs to be by May. The relief when I at least managed to get something done was amazing. It felt truly rewarding and to think I'd spent months putting it off - Finally, I have something written and I enjoyed it more than I thought. Even though I did have a bit of writers block - or just the fact I didn't know what I was doing. Reading the dissertation my lecture gave me to go from over, and over, and over again trying to understand the style.
I cleaned up the Kitchen again but again, another day where the side effects have thankfully been minimal. I'm out and about tomorrow for a meal and whatever else... but things are slowly getting there!!
Thursday, 4 January 2018
Citalopram - Day 8 - Out and about
So I decided to make the titles more interesting.
I had a blood test this morning - so I set my alarm for 8.30. As expected... the struggle to get up and out the bed was ridiculously hard. 9.25 arrived and by now I had an hour to be in the doctors. I pushed myself out of bed in the end and jumped in the shower. I'm very much one of these people if I don't shower on the night, I will in the morning. It's crazy to think I could go 2 days without a wash and be fine but now I darnt try. Not only that... It's unhygenic really isn't it? Particularly in women... It's very much frowned upon.
Anyway, within half hour I was washed, changed, hair straightened and out the house. By the time I got to the doctors and had my blood test I was ready to do a little shopping. The blood test was due to my hair falling out. I took the longer bus to go shopping today. I felt the need to. As soon as I got to merry hill I was starving. But it was 11.20 and I wanted a macdonalds... so I waited until 12.20. For that hour I went into Debenhams and picked out some new Jeans and a very thick, beautiful fleece top... totalling £24 rather than £65 As it's the sales. My nan gave me a £20 one4all gift card so I'd spent that instantly.
After I had a maccies. All of a sudden I started to feel a little dizzy. I'm starting to wonder whether the bright colours has something to do with my dizziness- if I go back to the time I lived in Stafford for uni, and I went shopping. In one shop it was so overwhelming I had to walk out - and I notice this happen a lot when I'm exposed a lot to shops. I'm not sure if it's an inner anxiety or what but it's confusing. I think the meds don't help too and the fact i had not eaten all morning wasn't good either. I did take my tablets whilst queing, though.. on an empty stomach.
Anyway after maccies I looked around for a few birthday presents for people. January is the worse for birthdays!! I then bumped into one of my doctors. He hesitated as though he was waiting for me to say something. But I just said my usual hello and told him I'm just looking for some packing boxes... for my dad. Well that was boring. I continued out the shop and eventually found a packing kit in Ryman.
Eventually I went home. Normal bus... and I had a call and email regarding my CBT which thankfully is still going ahead. I'm so excited. Me and my friend have also booked Pole classes, which I could do with. It sounds quite enjoyable and is supposed to improve every aspect of your physique which I could do with.
So all in all the days been positive. I'm still struggling to push myself to write more in my dissertation. Tomorrow, I will do it.
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