Why I'm scared to go back to University

Something that I have noticed whilst the day of me returning to University gets closer, is that I really don't want to go back - Not just that, but I'm simply not ready to. It's daunting on me like a wild animal, as though I'm trying to run away but it's getting closer and closer, and before I know it, I'm caught in the grips of it... and then I really have to try and battle my way through.

If you'd have spoken to me in the Summer, University could not come soon enough. I was beyond excited to go back and the thought of it would instantly make me feel buzzed. I really missed the atmosphere and the relationships I had a pleasure of building up during those final weeks with a range of staff.

Upon my return, the first couple weeks were alright, and then the workload hit me like a ton of bricks and all of a sudden I felt the weight drop, and I was on the heavy end. It's too much. 

My lecturers would try and reassure me, but they just couldn't. 9/10 they were busy themselves and that's fine, they have other commitments but little did they know that the workload was boiling away inside of me, and all of a sudden this fear, this anxiety came over me like a dark horse, shadowing me everywhere I go.

I tried to brush it off. I wanted to tell them I couldn't cope and the workload was too much - But I get fearful they'd tell me to take the rest of the year off and return, and whilst it's been tempting, on so many occasions, I just want it over and done with, and I want to graduate with most my class... They've who I've grown to love, each, in their own individual way - even if they don't feel the same way about me. Not only that, I can't bare the thought of sitting inside doing nothing all year, let's be real, I'd have to get a job to keep me going financially, and let's also be real - The best luck I'd get, would be in retail and the thought of that depresses me, so I'm staying, and battling through.

When the Christmas holidays came, I finally managed to relax - and I mean, really relax. Not care. Not think about uni work (Even though, deep inside, it was still in the back of my mind). Every time I thought about doing my work - my dissertation and project, I would feel a hot flush and extremely anxious, to the point mentally, I kept pushing it back, and then I realised - I can't continue like this. I need some extra help here...

That's why I decided that maybe I just need to give medication another go. I didn't want to and I tried so hard to stay off it - and I can live without it. But by living without it, I don't think I can get my university work done, and I'll keep having my impulsive and compulsive episodes, and they need to be stopped, or at least, not as severe.

Thankfully, I've also had the benefit of starting CBT. It's still early day's so I can't really report much on that - which started Tuesday, except it has made me look forward more towards my other sessions. My therapist seems like a lovely lady!

But today, my Mentor booked me in so we can sort out a plan for the year, and last night, before bed, my whole body dreaded with anxiety, again. 'I don't want to go in, I really don't', I'd tell myself, over and over again... I'm not ready. Even though today I wasn't starting my uni work, just the fact that now on, I'll be going in every week about 3 times a week and it may not seem like much - But the work load can become extremely overwhelming. I had a little panic attack on the way there, I started feeling very sick, my mind doing overtime.

I tried to go up to see my lecturers to ensure I'm doing OK on my dissertation and to give them an update on my emotional wellbeing - they weren't in, and that's fine. I did send them a couple emails over the holidays but they never replied which was pretty disheartening because I'm literally in desperate need for their help and support, I struggle daily with paranoia, about everything, at one point, for many years, felt like I was being watched, up until September, when it clicked - it's not possible. Anyway, one lecturer, absolutely lovely lady who's done a lot for me already - helped me through a rough situation over Spring and Summer, but as soon as I got to uni to start my final year, it was difficult for her to fit me in - understandably though, she had a lot of work, in and out of work, which I'm not mad about at all, these things happen - But I sort of felt almost like a burden. I started questioning the point in things, because there's nothing they can do, well, there is, but they don't have the time for me. I feel like I'm too much. I say it over and over again to myself, everyday - I'm too much for them. They don't deserve this. I'm just a student. Someone, eventually, they'll say goodbye to, as other students come in, and in 3, 5, 10 years time, I'll just be another 'student'... and possibly another statistic at that too.

Now, don't get me wrong, I want to stay at University... The place itself I love - Which is why I don't want to go back. Why? Well, It's my final year, and I'm coming into my second, and most important semester. After this semester, all of my work should be handed in, then I'll be onto the real world doing real things, and I'm hands on, not prepared for it. I'm scared. I missed out so much on a lot growing up - socially, that at university, I found it. I still feel very much in my 'youth', like a school kid, but at university - I've in a way, found myself, and the thought of everything is scary. I want to be the best, of the best, who doesn't? But the film industry is scaring me now. If I can't even get my uni work done, how will I ever succeed? I really, really, don't want to graduate with a 2:2, and certainly not a Third. I will break down more than anything. I really will. I'm trying to my absolute best ability to bring myself up to a 2:1, to the point I've put so much pressure upon myself, and that doesn't help - Because the pressure is going to be so much more intense in my second semester.

One lecturer said 'Demi, you're focusing too much on numbers, and that's where you're going wrong', as in, I'm focusing too much on my grade, that it's affecting me and it's not as important as it seems... but to me, it's a big deal. I'm tired, so damn tired of just 'passing' through everything. Through school, through college, I just got through and passed, I skimmed it. No, I want to be different this time, and I want to do myself proud and my family. I want my parents to have the benefit of telling people I at least got a 2:1 at uni. I want to have that pleasure of showing that off - Silly as it seems... it's a big deal for me. I just want to feel like it's valued - My brother, 3 years older than me, very smart man and has always exceeded beyond anyone's expectations, graduated from University with a First Class Honours, and the whole family is proud of him, they even celebrated with a meal - and that's what I want. I can celebrate a 2:1, I can't celebrate a 2:2 or below. I feel hardly up to industry standard. I guess that inner 'Jealousy' comes out, hey? But no, I am jealous, and proud, because he's achieved so much, and growing up, it caused me to be very competitive - he always won... and again, that's where I go wrong, and that's probably why I always hit this brick wall.

Life's taught me a lot, whilst my brother is extremely intelligent with numbers and coding and whatever else, my level of intelligence differs, I wouldn't know a thing or two about that - except basic math I guess... But mine is my Psychological - I feel I have more Psychological understanding than most people... almost like I can just understand a lot of people - even if I don't.

And now, knowing that, coming into my last few months at uni, and each day approaches, it's just a day closer to the never ending stress that will stretch me to my limit. One day close to me leaving. One day closer to me becoming another 'Statistic'. One day closer...

Citalopram - Day 9 - Getting things done

I feel like life is flying by rather quickly. 9 Days already I've been taking this tablet. Still on 10mg so it probably isn't affecting me as much as the regular dose should be.

I struggled again to get out of bed. My dreams are still incredibly vivid and strange. I'll dream of things I always worry about which is unusual, from failing my university course and not graduating, to finding out I'm having a baby (which I'm not quite ready for), to even all my hair falling out and balding. Last night, I had another dream where my hair was coming out. I was looking in the mirror in this dream and my hair was coming out in chunks and I was going bald - Like what you see in those dodgy horror movies.

I'm still not quite sure what's going on with my body - I do know, however, I haven't had any impulses - which is normally a common thing for me. I can get pretty impulsive, but since taking this I haven't been impulsive at all. I've felt no sudden urge to do nothing and I just feel in a constant daze - sort of.

I'm losing weight too, which is unusual to say I've been eating crap for the last month due to Christmas. I've not gained anything which you'd expect, although over the summer I lose 3 stone, so I was very surprised to not gain anything. If anything, since the other day, I've lost 2lbs even though I'm eating easily a tub of pringles nearly every day, I'm having take aways and McDonalds, and even brownies. I'll try not jinx myself though. I only have 10lbs to lose before I'm truly happy.

I've had yet, another lazy day. I spent the afternoon playing games again and set myself a little goal - Today I will start my dissertation. Come nearly 7PM, I finally managed to get a start on my dissertation after spending an hour staring at books and a screen not knowing what the hell I've got to do. But I'm glad now, because I managed to type up 700 words, which has put my dissertation total to 800 - 1/10th of what it needs to be by May. The relief when I at least managed to get something done was amazing. It felt truly rewarding and to think I'd spent months putting it off - Finally, I have something written and I enjoyed it more than I thought. Even though I did have a bit of writers block - or just the fact I didn't know what I was doing. Reading the dissertation my lecture gave me to go from over, and over, and over again trying to understand the style.

I cleaned up the Kitchen again but again, another day where the side effects have thankfully been minimal. I'm out and about tomorrow for a meal and whatever else... but things are slowly getting there!!