Warning Signs

I can't really remember, exactly, truthfully, how long I've had this for, now... but I do know it's been a long time, and the signs have been there since early childhood.

I grew up in an ever so loving home. I had everything I ever needed and I was doing OK at school. I was always clean, I had a close relationship with my parents, I had a happy home, and I was always loved - so how did I end up like this?

I mean, there's no denying I've had some traumatic events in the past - but that's where it should be left, in the past, yet, I can't shrug that off my shoulders. It's there everyday, and the dark horse is always there to remind you of it; depression. Except, it plays on my mind... how did I end up caught in some very unfortunate events? All so close together. I look back on life and I remember, even down to my earliest memories, not all is as it seems, and the world can be an evil place full of people there who want to take advantage of you and your loved ones; because they think they can. They can't. It's not ok. It never will be.

Why did no one notice me? In Primary school I had all the warning signs and no one noticed. I'd sit in class, daydreaming, teachers constantly telling me off for it. I'd constantly be scared of other kids. Heck, at one point, I'd deliberately hit my head off some of the pillars on the structure of the school for a bit of extra attention, oh, and how can anyone forget, I used to always knot my hair, deliberately. It became a habit to the point school would contact mum - or vice versa.

Thankfully, my parents never had the misfortune of seeing me like that. At home there were no obvious warning signals, except I used to constantly hear voices and see lights and shadows follow me, but nothing that I would say out loud because I managed to get myself used to it - and I wished I told them sooner about the smallest of things that would make me like that.

I was always the 'outcast' kid at school. I never had any friends and I always got bullied, from Primary school all the way to Secondary - It never stopped. I always had an impulsive attitude, and I ended up getting so anxious, I avoided other kids and became addicted to playing laptop games from the age of 10. My Mum, bless her, always so oblivious to what was going on inside my head - She knew I was anxious of other kids and she knew I practically hid away - But she saw it as a way of me being safe - Out of sight, out of mind, whereas at home, at least she knows I'll be safe.

I remember feeling like the world ignored me - I felt like a ghost. All I ever wanted was for someone to reach out, and no one ever did; I had a lovely Mentor at school who I was able to confide in, but she was a family friend. I had a school nurse who I was able to talk about my anxious feelings about... But again, I couldn't properly reach out, whilst internally screaming for help.

That's the thing, it eats you up, and it starts of inside. Lot's of people I knew had coping mechanisms such as self harm or drugs or even smoking - not me. None of that appealed to me. I was just being eaten away inside and there was nowt I could do about it, but deal with it, one day at a time.

I went into Autopilot. I'd wake up, go to school, come back, go on computer, then go to bed. That was my life for 6 years. Pretty boring, huh? Yep. Very. At one stage at school, I'd leave at 7AM and be in school for 7.30, just to avoid everyone. My anxiety got that bad. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to do anything. I'd became so introverted, so quiet, I had no voice.

During my time in high school, I came across a lot of leaps and bounds - I lost my Nan, she was like a second mother to me, amazing. 6 months later, I nearly lost my brother as someone tried to murder him, and 6 months after that, I went to Isle Of Man where police suspected I was being groomed, and had to have a police escort home, and interviews by social services - and that was because, finally, for the first time in my life, I felt comfortable and confided in some people I saw as friends, yeah, I was 15 and this couple was 24 and 42 at the time... But that didn't matter to me, at the time... Years have passed and now I'm questioning whether I was or not. I see where authorities coming from, but at the same time, I don't. There's a lot of missing pieces in that puzzle - still. I just know during this time, my parents were at logger heads and it's the one thing my mum regrets most, but it was never her fault.

I was hoping college would be a better start for me, but my depression and anxiety was still bad, I started to discover I'd get very easily latched on to women to confide to - No matter what, men were a no go. I become attached - and I still do. It got to a point I wished time after time if I could not wake up, I got so fed up. I felt like a waste of space. I felt like my life was going to always be this way and I was always going to be a mess. I hated myself. My body. My face. Everything. I remember, March 2014, I had enough and I decided I needed more help. I finally got put on Medication, but that same month, I remember fearing going home one day to my mum being dead. I was 17.

It was March 17th, 9PM, and mum was screaming in Agony and I remember I was trying to sleep. In the end I gave up and went downstairs, eventually I called an ambulance, and 3 weeks in hospital found she had a Major Heart Attack in the past. She now has COPD, Angina, Arthiritis and Heart Failure. She was only 46 at the time.

I felt like I was going insane. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, and all I could think about was all those years being taken advantage of, not speaking up, not reaching out... not being noticed. I felt cursed, truly cursed. So much so Paranoia got so bad I began to think I was being watched. I'd get this feeling where I feel like someone was watching and listening to me... I felt like I was losing my mind.

It's been a few years, and whilst I went nearly 3 years without Medication, I decided to go back on it - I've managed to learn to control The Dark Horse Depression, but the anxiety is out of control. I get ridiculously Impulsive. I let people take advantage of me. And I'm scared to speak up. It got really, really bad. There are days where my heart will physically hurt, I've had checkups at hospitals to find that yes - My anxiety is real, because there's nothing wrong with my heart except a few abnormal heartbeats which was picked up - and that was caused by anxiety. I ended up becoming a binge eater for comfort and gained 4 stone from aged 15 to 17- I've now lost 3, but I am back to the size I was at 15. I have my days where I hate myself. I still wished I could control myself - And whilst I can, I also can't. I get the sudden urge and without thinking - I'll do something.

At least now I'm not scared to reach out and talk up. I'm now on Citalopram and Receiving CBT, here's to hope the future will be bright...

So here it is, still battling on.

Citalopram - Day 11 - I'm not even sure!

I had to get up pretty early than normal today - 9:30! Marley had to be at the Vets for 11 so I did my hair and got changed. I thought I'd wait and get the 10:40 bus, so I looked on the App to make sure a bus was due and oh - It's Sunday! The bus next was due in 8 minutes (10:27) and the one after that was due at 11:27! I quickly threw my Coat on, got my shoes on, and got the dogs lead on before leaving.. and I'd not long made myself a cup of tea so had to down that too! - All that took just a short 3 minutes and the bus stop thankfully is over the road from me, so I made it.

As I got to the Vets, they upped Marley's tablets to 60mg on the epiphen rather than 30mg daily. I was back home by 11:30 and made myself a cup of tea.

As normal, 12PM came and I took my usual dose and then I cleaned up the Kitchen and Brad did the Living room for Mum and Dad whilst they went out for a meal with my brother and Sister-in-Law. Thankfully, tea was sorted for me as I was having it up Brad's today and he lives a street away from me, so as soon as we cleaned we left to Brad's and had a nice Sunday Roast.

As I was worried the dogs were left alone (Mum and mine), I went straight back to mine but thankfully mum was back and she and my Sister-in-law, Clare, were cleaning the room.

For some reason, today I've wanted to do nothing. So once everything was done and dusted, I decided to do the usual - nothing. I'm finding this a lot more recently, but I feel a little bit empty - But I know, eventually I'll be ok.

My nieces and Nephew came round too, of course, bundled with joy and love. My niece has such a lovely bond with me. I'm currently working on a big blog about.. everything... i've been feeling and thinking over the past few years and months. I hope to get that published soon if possible.

Citalopram - Day 10 - Intense.

I don't think I can truly sum up my feelings for today, except they felt a lot more intense than they have been for a while. I just know that university has been really stressing me out, and knowing I've only got 10 days before I'm back in class, back in that stress, and doing it all over again is honestly scary. This is the semester I can't afford to let depression or anxiety take over and that, more than anything, is petrifying.

I remember last night, I woke up in the night, it must have been between 3 and 6, as it was still pitch black out. I just remember Gordon Ramseys Kitchen Nightmare USA and that house buying programme was on... my mind fully awake throughout a good 2 hours I'd say. I couldn't get back to sleep and even though my eyes were closed, my mind was still very much awake and going through tons of scenario's in my head about... yep, uni.

In the Summer, the thought of going back to University was exciting and I couldn't understand why I never went much the first 2 years - and now, I'm starting to understand. The social aspect is wonderful and the campus itself is very comfortable, but I'm not ready to feel the pressure of having so much work to do and constantly being pressured to do things and feeling lost - almost as though I don't belong. I feel as though I don't belong. I still feel different to everyone else in class, if i'm honest. There's something about me that's different to everyone else, and part of that is me thinking I'm not good enough. I feel like a complete failure.

Whilst my grades for the first semester are looking promising, and I can achieve Firsts and 2:1's, I have nowt to show for it and I wished I reached out sooner for help at university - But no, I waited until April last year, and by then, I was finishing my second year. Too late.

And that's the thing. I'm fighting. I'm always bloody fighting. I'm always trying to keep myself on top and being as strong as I can be then I go home, I go to bed at night, and the reality of this crappy head of mine sets in. The self doubt is strong. I hate myself. I feel like I'll let everyone down, my family, my friends, my lecturers, myself.

It's a sad irony, I get so much reassurance, and it gives me a short, temporary, inspirational buzz, but then, even then I'm questioning how they see that in me? Do they really know how my head works? I can't keep myself focused and it's almost like my mind always wants to focus on the negative things. I try so hard to focus on the positives and I try to be so positive about things - I try so damn hard... but no matter how hard I try, I feel ridiculous.

I feel ridiculous, I feel like I'm an embarrassment at some point. I got bullied all through school to the point I still struggle, to this day, to talk to people like a normal 20 year old. I end up feeling really uncomfortable. I still find it really hard to hold out a conversation with my boyfriends family - I've been with him 2 years 8 months. I keep it short and sweet, always saying something wrong - without any bad intention, embarrassing myself or raising a few eyebrows. It's so hard. I just want to talk to people, have a normal conversation and actually know what I'm talking about. I get thrown so off guard so easily I can forget what I'm talking about - or even, how relevant what I'm talking about is.

It's a depression. It doesn't help that when I go to uni and crave so bad to talk to someone, but yet, to the point I even know I'm a burden to them. I try to stop myself but I just want a conversation, I want to feel human. But I can't. I feel so much of my life has been effected by the bullying, being mistreated by so many people, traumas, the past - that's what it is, and that's where I want to leave it - but how can I? When my past, is what's shaped my present, and my future.

To some, I come across confident. But I'm really not. I cannot look at someone in the eyes and hold a conversation. My eyes are staring all over the place and then I begin getting paranoid: Is this noticeable?  I start questioning myself.

These thoughts, they go on and on and on, it's a vicious, vicious circle... but now you've had an insight of what goes on in this little brain of mine when I'm quiet, when I'm staring into space, when I'm being ignored... oh, and that's barely even a quarter of it... never mind half. Welcome to my life.

Anyway, the sleep was so disturbed I woke up at 12:05PM. The latest I have in a long time... a few weeks ago, my days started at 8am and finished at 10PM... now my days finish at 2AM and start at 12PM. I hate that. My hands sweating, I'm assuming this is one side effect I've ignored - my hands are almost always sweating lately and it's really annoying! I constantly have to wash my hands as the sweat is making everything stick. Gross.

I took my tablet and gave my dog his, got changed and went up Dudley to get my boyfriends sister her birthday present, as it's her birthday today - I was up there for an hour but as I was shopping I received a call off my boyfriend, Brad... and unfortunately, my dog had a fit (He has Syringomyelia). It's his second one in 3 weeks, after nearly being fit free for a year and being on tablets - I've come to the conclusion his tablets don't work as they used to or his condition is worsening - which can result into a drill to his skull to relieve the pressure - which his dog-dad is currently undergoing treatment for as they believe he may have to have the operation and is being for the same condition. I booked him in for an earlier appointment to the vet tomorrow in hope that they just up his meds. People don't understand the sheer love I have for my dog, because that dog loves me and knows I'm his owner and it's an amazing feeling.

Anyhows, I got back and done my makeup, before going up Brads then out for a birthday meal with his family. I ordered a chicken and rib combo - 2 chicken skewers and BBQ Ribs with Chips, coleslaw, corn on the cob and Onion rings - I ate it all! It was so good. I then went back to Brads, had a glass of wine and spoke to his family for a  bit. By talk, I mean the above.

I couldn't help but feel really down. All I can think about is Uni. I'm not prepared for all this workload and pressure. Especially the project - Yes, I chose to do it... But no matter what I chose to do, i'd feel the same way... unless I work in a group - it's petrifying. I don't like directing. I don't like being the leader. That's not who I am in film - I like to stick to two things only - cinematography and editing. Sigh.

But now I'm home, in bed... and unable to sleep. My motivation is dead... but with a 9.30 start tomorrow, I guess I should probably get as much sleep as I can... if I can.

Hopefully tomorrow, I'll feel better.

Citalopram - Day 9 - Getting things done

I feel like life is flying by rather quickly. 9 Days already I've been taking this tablet. Still on 10mg so it probably isn't affecting me as much as the regular dose should be.

I struggled again to get out of bed. My dreams are still incredibly vivid and strange. I'll dream of things I always worry about which is unusual, from failing my university course and not graduating, to finding out I'm having a baby (which I'm not quite ready for), to even all my hair falling out and balding. Last night, I had another dream where my hair was coming out. I was looking in the mirror in this dream and my hair was coming out in chunks and I was going bald - Like what you see in those dodgy horror movies.

I'm still not quite sure what's going on with my body - I do know, however, I haven't had any impulses - which is normally a common thing for me. I can get pretty impulsive, but since taking this I haven't been impulsive at all. I've felt no sudden urge to do nothing and I just feel in a constant daze - sort of.

I'm losing weight too, which is unusual to say I've been eating crap for the last month due to Christmas. I've not gained anything which you'd expect, although over the summer I lose 3 stone, so I was very surprised to not gain anything. If anything, since the other day, I've lost 2lbs even though I'm eating easily a tub of pringles nearly every day, I'm having take aways and McDonalds, and even brownies. I'll try not jinx myself though. I only have 10lbs to lose before I'm truly happy.

I've had yet, another lazy day. I spent the afternoon playing games again and set myself a little goal - Today I will start my dissertation. Come nearly 7PM, I finally managed to get a start on my dissertation after spending an hour staring at books and a screen not knowing what the hell I've got to do. But I'm glad now, because I managed to type up 700 words, which has put my dissertation total to 800 - 1/10th of what it needs to be by May. The relief when I at least managed to get something done was amazing. It felt truly rewarding and to think I'd spent months putting it off - Finally, I have something written and I enjoyed it more than I thought. Even though I did have a bit of writers block - or just the fact I didn't know what I was doing. Reading the dissertation my lecture gave me to go from over, and over, and over again trying to understand the style.

I cleaned up the Kitchen again but again, another day where the side effects have thankfully been minimal. I'm out and about tomorrow for a meal and whatever else... but things are slowly getting there!!

Citalopram - Day 7

Finally! A week.

So I've been on 10mg for a week now. According to sources I should up my dose to 20mg but for some reason my doctor told me to give it 3 weeks... so now I just wait.

All dodgy side effects have gone. I do now notice a little bit more motivation there. My confidence is still a little low but at least the confidence is starting to build itself back up again.

Another thing I've noticed is I can sit still for more than 5 minutes. Before I would dread to stay in because my mind couldn't focus and i would overthink all the negatives. Now, I just... relax. Watch a film. Read a book. Do nothing. I'm actually alright.

It's been another, and possibly a final lazy day for me. I've got to still yet dig up the courage to get my uni work done. That on it's own is a killer.

Now, just 6 days until CBT, 8 until I step back to uni for the first time in a month, and 12 until I officially go back. Here's to making the most of that time off Aye!!

Citalopram - Day 6

I ended up having another vivid dream. I've noticed this be one very common side effect whenever I take any medication. From when I first started taking cerelle  (Mini pill) to this. The dreams always seem to follow a pattern. I'll dream things like being pregnant and finding out by a test, which is normally the most common dream, but last night was extra weird... it wasn't a positive pregnancy test but positive with something else!!! Strange. Very strange indeed!

Anyway, I woke up at 9am to the sounds of children screaming and playing. My house is behind a primary school but I assumed they started thursday. 'Nevermind' I thought! I then really struggled to get back to sleep. I was super tired from another night of no sleep. Eventually I woke up at 11.30. I sat up in bed and red a chapter of the book I'd be reading... and 12 took my usual tablets and gave my dog his too.

No word of a lie, i went back upstairs. I'd listen to the sound of children innocently playing, 'blissful' I thought. I continued to read my book and by  now it was hammering it down with rain... children still playing outside in it. It's the small things that make you feel grateful. I felt truly relaxed. I took an occasional break in which i would find myself watching short videos online... and by 4pm... I realised I spent almost 5 hours in bed, reading and watching, relaxing.

I love reading. It takes you into an alternative universe. I really enjoy that sometimes. It's like a form of escapism... you enter this universe in your head, imagining the book as though it were a film in front of you.

I ate my tea, and continued reading. I had a nasty tummy ache and tummy grumbling for hours after eating. I found I've no appetite, except when it came to Pringles. I couldn't stop eating them... I still can't!

I feel the side effects of the lower dose has weared off now. I'll continue updating my day to day. But it's safe to say I feel I can go on as normal. A few times I'll question of I took it at all. For a moment today, I also felt a sense of relaxation, of relief. I'd spent the last year going crazy. Stressing out, but here I am... able to wake up. Sit down and stare into things... listening to the silence that surrounds me. Good, peaceful silence. No tv needed. Just silence, and a book.

So now I'll just log my daily adventure with you until they up my meds! Let's hope that's the end of those scary side effects!

Citalopram - Day 5

So I guess I forgot to blog last night! But in all honesty, there wasn't much to blog on.

As it was New year's I was out until 2am. I had 1 Malibu and coke, 1 amarretto and coke, and 2 small glasses of wine. All spread out and pigged out on food so as though it won't affect me much - which worked. The smallest bit of alcohol was sending me dizzy. I noticed myself be very dazed and ridiculously tired. I hadn't felt the same excitement over a new year as normal. It just felt like another day. Normally by the end of a year, I'll cry. But for the first time ever I felt nothing. No emotion - could the tablets be taking effect now? Anyway, come 2am we all left and walked 2 miles back home. Thankfully it wasn't freezing so I was fine.

Again, I had another vivid dream, this time my hair was all falling out. Now I'm already seeing the doctor about this as more and more chunks of hair keep coming out... so to dream it was no surprise. My hair had gotten so thin and I'm scared I'll genuinely have nothing left at this rate!

I woke up at 10, so I'd not had much sleep compared to what I'm used to - so my body on it's own was pretty tired. As usual, 12 approached and I took another tablet and waited for the affects to take place.

Unlike the other days, yesterday there wasn't really anything. I stayed in my pyjamas again all day - I had it drilled that this will be my last 'break' day and therefore make the most of it.

Hours passed as normal and I didn't really feel anything. Not dizzy, not shaking. Not what I was constantly getting. Good, I thought.

Come the night time and I really struggled to settle. Tossing and turning constantly, over and over but I just couldn't sleep. My mind making up it's own scenarios in it's head. Strange!

So except the vivid dreams and the struggle to sleep or feel much emotion... there wasn't really much side effect wise I could report on. So maybe my body is getting used to it. I'll be back at the doctors in 2 weeks to go up to 20mg. Kinda scary because I'll be back at uni and god knows how 20mg is gonna affect me!

And lastly, a happy New year to everyone, and thanks for following me on my journey.

Citalopram - Day 4

For some reason, My dreams were extremely vivid last night. I dreamt we were on a Greek island with my boyfriend and my boyfriend's sister and my dog got lost. We found them and decided to live it out with them although my boyfriend's sister had worn the same clothes all month. My dog was talking to me and telling me he hadn't taken his tablets (he has Syringomyelia and atopic dermatitis)... and they couldn't catch fish in the river they were living in so I ducked my head underwater and the river was dead. It was a extremely weird dream!

I woke up at 10am, wide awake which was nice. I managed to clean up the kitchen and read my book. I felt motivated. At 12pm, I took my tablets and sat down. It's new years eve so I'm in no rush for a few hours. Later, I did a load of washing.

A few hours after the meds began kicking in... so did the tiredness, And a much mild dizzy feeling... thankfully nowhere near what it has been. The fainting feeling bad dissapeared.

6pm I decided to get up and ready. By 7pm I was out the house and visited my uncle and cousin at the local pub, I stayed there until 9 of which I went to meet my boyfriend at his cousins.

It's still new years eve so I'm sat here having a few glasses of wine, except the drink is hitting me much harder this time and I already feel very tipsy. I've had 2 small glasses.

But here's my short blog for today. Wishing you all a Happy New year 2018,And this was short because I look anti social! Woo.

Citalopram - Day 2

So today I decided to give it another go after the nasty experience yesterday.

But before that, I found I had a long 10 hours sleep so took both my pill and citalopram 30 minutes late! I Never sleep past 11am at the absolute latest, but I got up at 12.25! I decided for 'Brunch' I'll make myself a Ferraro Roche milkshake which actually turned out nice.

I decided to have a PJ day which is generally a rarity... but in new PJs, you just have to!

After 2 hours I noticed a feeling of me being tipsy, things would go a little slow for me. I decided to take it easy. Just short of 4 hours and every time I got up or had to do something the dizziness would begin, so I made sure to sit down most the day.

My appetite hardly exists. I've not really felt hungry or craved anything, which I don't generally mind but I'll still eat. Today I've had a handful of Pringles, ferraro milkshake, a fry up and a candy cane... not the healthiest of options but hey ho, still in the Christmas hols.

I do feel incredibly tired too. I have a minor headache and I'm about to have myself either a bath or shower. I'm yet to decide (or both!).

I'm feeling no mental effect on them yet, although deep down I feel sad in itself it's come to this in order for me to cope.

Citalopram - Day 1 - 10mg

So, today I finally started a new journey - The journey to wellbeing. Well, that's not fully true... I spent the whole summer focusing on me and my mind and body that it changed me a lot... however, no matter how hard I try, the anxiety is still deep within me, eating away and burning me alive, to the point I just had to take an alternative route.

I've been waiting for CBT since March... only yesterday did I get a letter for a date confirming- 9th Jan 2018 - but by this point, yesterday I told the doctor I can't continue feeling so worthless and scared and paranoid.

I'm in my final year of uni and all I keep doing is beating myself up. Constantly thinking I'm not good enough. Feeling jealous, Constantly, of other people's work. Knowing I should be there but for some reason I'm not- that reason, being my anxiety. It's stopped me reaching out and telling people what I want to do. It's stopped me working with people. Many projects I go alone. I feel like no one likes me. I feel ashamed i haven't got anything to show. I'm just... not happy. I've spent how much to go study at uni and I have nothing to show for it - that's what anxiety has done to me.

It's made me doubt myself so horribly, that next semester I've actually got to full on do my dissertation and project, and hands On, I'm petrified... and I can't do it without a little extra help. So today, I took my first citeralopram, 10mg.

I noticed the effects begin almost immediately. I started shaking - I thought this was just me thinking of potential side effects but the trembling carried on. I decided to go shopping but I've been lazy this month with it being Christmas and everything, so I walked just over 3 miles to the shopping center.. . I went into boux avenue to get my order, there was an issue and all of a sudden this hot flush came over me. I began feeling beyond sick. I suddenly felt my body weakening and my vision was slowly going to the center... I was blacking out. I walked away and squatted in the shop corner for a few seconds hoping someone would help me. I genuinely thought I was going to pass out and I desperately craved something cold, so I walked out, sat down for a minute, and then next to me was krispy kreme so I ordered a milkshake. Suddenly as I was being served.. the feeling began to build up in me. I quickly put my pin in the machine and walked away with my drink and sat back down.. drinking it slowly but constantly. It started cooling me down. Within 5 minutes I went back into boux avenue and back to the till.

I felt so over dramatic and embarrassed by the ordeal but I had to continue with my order, which eventually was sorted. I ended up being in and around there for a total of 45 minutes.

I decided to cut my Journey short. I couldn't stay shopping much longer and headed home - but I promised my mum milk and bread so had to run into asda on my way out as my bus was still 15 minutes away. I got vanilla icecream and nutella so I can make Ferraro milkshakes... safe to say I began feeling dizzy again so I left the queue and went to self service then walked out. Feeling the cold air hitting me as I get closer and closer to the exit. It really relaxed me.

I got home and sat down before heading out again and went up my boyfriend's. I I'd a bit of a headache coming on and I felt ridiculously tired.

I'm now at home, and I've struggled to even go and write this on my computer so I've had to download the app on my phone. I feel ridiculously tired and here's hoping i can sleep like a baby tonight... in more new PJs.

I contemplated taking another one tomorrow but I posted my symptoms in a girls group and it happens to be quite common, so I'm going to brave it again and I saw a post saying it takes 4 hours for it to be at its peak in your body - I took it at 12 and I was in boux at 4, so it must've been linked.

I'll continue updating you all on my little journey and thank you for reading!