Citalopram - Day 11 - I'm not even sure!

I had to get up pretty early than normal today - 9:30! Marley had to be at the Vets for 11 so I did my hair and got changed. I thought I'd wait and get the 10:40 bus, so I looked on the App to make sure a bus was due and oh - It's Sunday! The bus next was due in 8 minutes (10:27) and the one after that was due at 11:27! I quickly threw my Coat on, got my shoes on, and got the dogs lead on before leaving.. and I'd not long made myself a cup of tea so had to down that too! - All that took just a short 3 minutes and the bus stop thankfully is over the road from me, so I made it.

As I got to the Vets, they upped Marley's tablets to 60mg on the epiphen rather than 30mg daily. I was back home by 11:30 and made myself a cup of tea.

As normal, 12PM came and I took my usual dose and then I cleaned up the Kitchen and Brad did the Living room for Mum and Dad whilst they went out for a meal with my brother and Sister-in-Law. Thankfully, tea was sorted for me as I was having it up Brad's today and he lives a street away from me, so as soon as we cleaned we left to Brad's and had a nice Sunday Roast.

As I was worried the dogs were left alone (Mum and mine), I went straight back to mine but thankfully mum was back and she and my Sister-in-law, Clare, were cleaning the room.

For some reason, today I've wanted to do nothing. So once everything was done and dusted, I decided to do the usual - nothing. I'm finding this a lot more recently, but I feel a little bit empty - But I know, eventually I'll be ok.

My nieces and Nephew came round too, of course, bundled with joy and love. My niece has such a lovely bond with me. I'm currently working on a big blog about.. everything... i've been feeling and thinking over the past few years and months. I hope to get that published soon if possible.

Citalopram - Day 9 - Getting things done

I feel like life is flying by rather quickly. 9 Days already I've been taking this tablet. Still on 10mg so it probably isn't affecting me as much as the regular dose should be.

I struggled again to get out of bed. My dreams are still incredibly vivid and strange. I'll dream of things I always worry about which is unusual, from failing my university course and not graduating, to finding out I'm having a baby (which I'm not quite ready for), to even all my hair falling out and balding. Last night, I had another dream where my hair was coming out. I was looking in the mirror in this dream and my hair was coming out in chunks and I was going bald - Like what you see in those dodgy horror movies.

I'm still not quite sure what's going on with my body - I do know, however, I haven't had any impulses - which is normally a common thing for me. I can get pretty impulsive, but since taking this I haven't been impulsive at all. I've felt no sudden urge to do nothing and I just feel in a constant daze - sort of.

I'm losing weight too, which is unusual to say I've been eating crap for the last month due to Christmas. I've not gained anything which you'd expect, although over the summer I lose 3 stone, so I was very surprised to not gain anything. If anything, since the other day, I've lost 2lbs even though I'm eating easily a tub of pringles nearly every day, I'm having take aways and McDonalds, and even brownies. I'll try not jinx myself though. I only have 10lbs to lose before I'm truly happy.

I've had yet, another lazy day. I spent the afternoon playing games again and set myself a little goal - Today I will start my dissertation. Come nearly 7PM, I finally managed to get a start on my dissertation after spending an hour staring at books and a screen not knowing what the hell I've got to do. But I'm glad now, because I managed to type up 700 words, which has put my dissertation total to 800 - 1/10th of what it needs to be by May. The relief when I at least managed to get something done was amazing. It felt truly rewarding and to think I'd spent months putting it off - Finally, I have something written and I enjoyed it more than I thought. Even though I did have a bit of writers block - or just the fact I didn't know what I was doing. Reading the dissertation my lecture gave me to go from over, and over, and over again trying to understand the style.

I cleaned up the Kitchen again but again, another day where the side effects have thankfully been minimal. I'm out and about tomorrow for a meal and whatever else... but things are slowly getting there!!

Citalopram - Day 8 - Out and about

So I decided to make the titles more interesting.

I had a blood test this morning - so I set my alarm for 8.30. As expected... the struggle to get up and out the bed was ridiculously hard. 9.25 arrived and by now I had an hour to be in the doctors. I pushed myself out of bed in the end and jumped in the shower. I'm very much one of these people if I don't shower on the night, I will in the morning. It's crazy to think I could go 2 days without a wash and be fine but now I darnt try. Not only that... It's unhygenic really isn't it? Particularly in women... It's very much frowned upon.

Anyway, within half hour I was washed, changed, hair straightened and out the house. By the time I got to the doctors and had my blood test I was ready to do a little shopping. The blood test was due to my hair falling out. I took the longer bus to go shopping today. I felt the need to. As soon as I got to merry hill I was starving. But it was 11.20 and I wanted a macdonalds... so I waited until 12.20. For that hour I went into Debenhams and picked out some new Jeans and a very thick, beautiful fleece top... totalling £24 rather than £65 As it's the sales. My nan gave me a £20 one4all gift card so I'd spent that instantly.

After I had a maccies. All of a sudden I started to feel a little dizzy. I'm starting to wonder whether the bright colours has something to do with my dizziness- if I go back to the time I lived in Stafford for uni, and I went shopping. In one shop it was so overwhelming I had to walk out - and I notice this happen a lot when I'm exposed a lot to shops. I'm not sure if it's an inner anxiety or what but it's confusing. I think the meds don't help too and the fact i had not eaten all morning wasn't good either. I did take my tablets whilst queing, though.. on an empty stomach.

Anyway after maccies I looked around for a few birthday presents for people. January is the worse for birthdays!! I then bumped into one of my doctors. He hesitated as though he was waiting for me to say something. But I just said my usual hello and told him I'm just looking for some packing boxes... for my dad. Well that was boring. I continued out the shop and eventually found a packing kit in Ryman.

Eventually I went home. Normal bus... and I had a call and email regarding my CBT which thankfully is still going ahead. I'm so excited. Me and my friend have also booked Pole classes, which I could do with. It sounds quite enjoyable and is supposed to improve every aspect of your physique which I could do with.

So all in all the days been positive. I'm still struggling to push myself to write more in my dissertation. Tomorrow, I will do it.

Citalopram - Day 7

Finally! A week.

So I've been on 10mg for a week now. According to sources I should up my dose to 20mg but for some reason my doctor told me to give it 3 weeks... so now I just wait.

All dodgy side effects have gone. I do now notice a little bit more motivation there. My confidence is still a little low but at least the confidence is starting to build itself back up again.

Another thing I've noticed is I can sit still for more than 5 minutes. Before I would dread to stay in because my mind couldn't focus and i would overthink all the negatives. Now, I just... relax. Watch a film. Read a book. Do nothing. I'm actually alright.

It's been another, and possibly a final lazy day for me. I've got to still yet dig up the courage to get my uni work done. That on it's own is a killer.

Now, just 6 days until CBT, 8 until I step back to uni for the first time in a month, and 12 until I officially go back. Here's to making the most of that time off Aye!!

Citalopram - Day 6

I ended up having another vivid dream. I've noticed this be one very common side effect whenever I take any medication. From when I first started taking cerelle  (Mini pill) to this. The dreams always seem to follow a pattern. I'll dream things like being pregnant and finding out by a test, which is normally the most common dream, but last night was extra weird... it wasn't a positive pregnancy test but positive with something else!!! Strange. Very strange indeed!

Anyway, I woke up at 9am to the sounds of children screaming and playing. My house is behind a primary school but I assumed they started thursday. 'Nevermind' I thought! I then really struggled to get back to sleep. I was super tired from another night of no sleep. Eventually I woke up at 11.30. I sat up in bed and red a chapter of the book I'd be reading... and 12 took my usual tablets and gave my dog his too.

No word of a lie, i went back upstairs. I'd listen to the sound of children innocently playing, 'blissful' I thought. I continued to read my book and by  now it was hammering it down with rain... children still playing outside in it. It's the small things that make you feel grateful. I felt truly relaxed. I took an occasional break in which i would find myself watching short videos online... and by 4pm... I realised I spent almost 5 hours in bed, reading and watching, relaxing.

I love reading. It takes you into an alternative universe. I really enjoy that sometimes. It's like a form of escapism... you enter this universe in your head, imagining the book as though it were a film in front of you.

I ate my tea, and continued reading. I had a nasty tummy ache and tummy grumbling for hours after eating. I found I've no appetite, except when it came to Pringles. I couldn't stop eating them... I still can't!

I feel the side effects of the lower dose has weared off now. I'll continue updating my day to day. But it's safe to say I feel I can go on as normal. A few times I'll question of I took it at all. For a moment today, I also felt a sense of relaxation, of relief. I'd spent the last year going crazy. Stressing out, but here I am... able to wake up. Sit down and stare into things... listening to the silence that surrounds me. Good, peaceful silence. No tv needed. Just silence, and a book.

So now I'll just log my daily adventure with you until they up my meds! Let's hope that's the end of those scary side effects!

Citalopram - Day 5

So I guess I forgot to blog last night! But in all honesty, there wasn't much to blog on.

As it was New year's I was out until 2am. I had 1 Malibu and coke, 1 amarretto and coke, and 2 small glasses of wine. All spread out and pigged out on food so as though it won't affect me much - which worked. The smallest bit of alcohol was sending me dizzy. I noticed myself be very dazed and ridiculously tired. I hadn't felt the same excitement over a new year as normal. It just felt like another day. Normally by the end of a year, I'll cry. But for the first time ever I felt nothing. No emotion - could the tablets be taking effect now? Anyway, come 2am we all left and walked 2 miles back home. Thankfully it wasn't freezing so I was fine.

Again, I had another vivid dream, this time my hair was all falling out. Now I'm already seeing the doctor about this as more and more chunks of hair keep coming out... so to dream it was no surprise. My hair had gotten so thin and I'm scared I'll genuinely have nothing left at this rate!

I woke up at 10, so I'd not had much sleep compared to what I'm used to - so my body on it's own was pretty tired. As usual, 12 approached and I took another tablet and waited for the affects to take place.

Unlike the other days, yesterday there wasn't really anything. I stayed in my pyjamas again all day - I had it drilled that this will be my last 'break' day and therefore make the most of it.

Hours passed as normal and I didn't really feel anything. Not dizzy, not shaking. Not what I was constantly getting. Good, I thought.

Come the night time and I really struggled to settle. Tossing and turning constantly, over and over but I just couldn't sleep. My mind making up it's own scenarios in it's head. Strange!

So except the vivid dreams and the struggle to sleep or feel much emotion... there wasn't really much side effect wise I could report on. So maybe my body is getting used to it. I'll be back at the doctors in 2 weeks to go up to 20mg. Kinda scary because I'll be back at uni and god knows how 20mg is gonna affect me!

And lastly, a happy New year to everyone, and thanks for following me on my journey.

Citalopram - Day 3

So today I took my 3rd tablet. Same time again, 12pm.

I noticed I had lazed about too much the day previously that my step count of the month was suffering, and I have 36 hours to do 25000 steps. I can do this. I didn't want to for some reason, now Normally, I love walking.... but for the first time ever I just wanted to stay in and sleep or relax. I didn't want to be productive.

I decided to fight my inner demon and got up, got changed, brushed my hair which happened to be greasy - although I showered the day before... my hair is still going greasy after just 2 days! I give up with it. But I still got got myself out.

I put my headphones on and music on and began walking to the sound of trance beaming through my ears. I still struggled to keep motivated. I still wanted to be home. 2000 steps... I want to be done... 4000 steps... let's get to 8000 minimum I challenged myself, Actually, 10000. I continued walking and 8000 steps in, I realised I was right next to the bus station up Dudley, and that can get me home. I decided to hop on the bus and go - sure, I can do another 7000 or so later? Maybe?

Once I got in, I went upstairs and played the sims.  I couldn't concentrate. I created a large family and house on it and saved and quitted. That was it. I was done. I began reading my letter for my CBT to see where I had to go... then I realised it was dated the 20th, and I needed to have called them by the 27th with confirmation of said appointment - yet I didn't get the letter until the 28th. This set me in a crazy panic. My chest began to hurt. I began going very, very dizzy and I felt sick. I waited nearly 10 months for this and now I don't know whether my appointment is go ahead due to no fault of my own. I instantly called up Dudley Talking therapy and left a voicemail - it's Saturday so they aren't open... and it's new year... so the soonest I'll hear from them if I'm lucky is the 2nd Jan, Tuesday, a week before my first appointment... so of course, that inner anxiety is still there a lot. I had to ask someone for advice so I messaged my uni mentor, Jo, who advised me to leave a email, so I did as requested... and now it's the waiting game.

In order to wind down, I put on a trance mix and began reading one of the books I ordered yesterday, that came - it's about a girl who's brother takes advantage of her and she goes through DV with her husband - that's all I know so far! I read 4 chapters and about 1/6th of the book already. I got so hooked. But after it, I felt a little better.

I decided to go on another walk - mum asked me to go to Tesco so I took the long way round, so much so I managed to complete 7000 steps! Meaning tomorrow I only have to do 10000 steps before my 200000 monthly goal. I've really lazed around this month!

In regards to today's side effects- I've noticed a more intense anxiety, I've still felt a little dizzy, flashing lights are dazzling me and making the dizziness worse, and I've felt undriven and my heart is pounding and I'm more hypervigilant ... but haven't felt faint today, which is better.

Here's hoping the next few days continue to bring improvement and the deepening of some fade away!

Citalopram - Day 1 - 10mg

So, today I finally started a new journey - The journey to wellbeing. Well, that's not fully true... I spent the whole summer focusing on me and my mind and body that it changed me a lot... however, no matter how hard I try, the anxiety is still deep within me, eating away and burning me alive, to the point I just had to take an alternative route.

I've been waiting for CBT since March... only yesterday did I get a letter for a date confirming- 9th Jan 2018 - but by this point, yesterday I told the doctor I can't continue feeling so worthless and scared and paranoid.

I'm in my final year of uni and all I keep doing is beating myself up. Constantly thinking I'm not good enough. Feeling jealous, Constantly, of other people's work. Knowing I should be there but for some reason I'm not- that reason, being my anxiety. It's stopped me reaching out and telling people what I want to do. It's stopped me working with people. Many projects I go alone. I feel like no one likes me. I feel ashamed i haven't got anything to show. I'm just... not happy. I've spent how much to go study at uni and I have nothing to show for it - that's what anxiety has done to me.

It's made me doubt myself so horribly, that next semester I've actually got to full on do my dissertation and project, and hands On, I'm petrified... and I can't do it without a little extra help. So today, I took my first citeralopram, 10mg.

I noticed the effects begin almost immediately. I started shaking - I thought this was just me thinking of potential side effects but the trembling carried on. I decided to go shopping but I've been lazy this month with it being Christmas and everything, so I walked just over 3 miles to the shopping center.. . I went into boux avenue to get my order, there was an issue and all of a sudden this hot flush came over me. I began feeling beyond sick. I suddenly felt my body weakening and my vision was slowly going to the center... I was blacking out. I walked away and squatted in the shop corner for a few seconds hoping someone would help me. I genuinely thought I was going to pass out and I desperately craved something cold, so I walked out, sat down for a minute, and then next to me was krispy kreme so I ordered a milkshake. Suddenly as I was being served.. the feeling began to build up in me. I quickly put my pin in the machine and walked away with my drink and sat back down.. drinking it slowly but constantly. It started cooling me down. Within 5 minutes I went back into boux avenue and back to the till.

I felt so over dramatic and embarrassed by the ordeal but I had to continue with my order, which eventually was sorted. I ended up being in and around there for a total of 45 minutes.

I decided to cut my Journey short. I couldn't stay shopping much longer and headed home - but I promised my mum milk and bread so had to run into asda on my way out as my bus was still 15 minutes away. I got vanilla icecream and nutella so I can make Ferraro milkshakes... safe to say I began feeling dizzy again so I left the queue and went to self service then walked out. Feeling the cold air hitting me as I get closer and closer to the exit. It really relaxed me.

I got home and sat down before heading out again and went up my boyfriend's. I I'd a bit of a headache coming on and I felt ridiculously tired.

I'm now at home, and I've struggled to even go and write this on my computer so I've had to download the app on my phone. I feel ridiculously tired and here's hoping i can sleep like a baby tonight... in more new PJs.

I contemplated taking another one tomorrow but I posted my symptoms in a girls group and it happens to be quite common, so I'm going to brave it again and I saw a post saying it takes 4 hours for it to be at its peak in your body - I took it at 12 and I was in boux at 4, so it must've been linked.

I'll continue updating you all on my little journey and thank you for reading!