I had to get up pretty early than normal today - 9:30! Marley had to be at the Vets for 11 so I did my hair and got changed. I thought I'd wait and get the 10:40 bus, so I looked on the App to make sure a bus was due and oh - It's Sunday! The bus next was due in 8 minutes (10:27) and the one after that was due at 11:27! I quickly threw my Coat on, got my shoes on, and got the dogs lead on before leaving.. and I'd not long made myself a cup of tea so had to down that too! - All that took just a short 3 minutes and the bus stop thankfully is over the road from me, so I made it.
As I got to the Vets, they upped Marley's tablets to 60mg on the epiphen rather than 30mg daily. I was back home by 11:30 and made myself a cup of tea.
As normal, 12PM came and I took my usual dose and then I cleaned up the Kitchen and Brad did the Living room for Mum and Dad whilst they went out for a meal with my brother and Sister-in-Law. Thankfully, tea was sorted for me as I was having it up Brad's today and he lives a street away from me, so as soon as we cleaned we left to Brad's and had a nice Sunday Roast.
As I was worried the dogs were left alone (Mum and mine), I went straight back to mine but thankfully mum was back and she and my Sister-in-law, Clare, were cleaning the room.
For some reason, today I've wanted to do nothing. So once everything was done and dusted, I decided to do the usual - nothing. I'm finding this a lot more recently, but I feel a little bit empty - But I know, eventually I'll be ok.
My nieces and Nephew came round too, of course, bundled with joy and love. My niece has such a lovely bond with me. I'm currently working on a big blog about.. everything... i've been feeling and thinking over the past few years and months. I hope to get that published soon if possible.
Sunday, 7 January 2018
Saturday, 6 January 2018
Citalopram - Day 10 - Intense.
I don't think I can truly sum up my feelings for today, except they felt a lot more intense than they have been for a while. I just know that university has been really stressing me out, and knowing I've only got 10 days before I'm back in class, back in that stress, and doing it all over again is honestly scary. This is the semester I can't afford to let depression or anxiety take over and that, more than anything, is petrifying.
I remember last night, I woke up in the night, it must have been between 3 and 6, as it was still pitch black out. I just remember Gordon Ramseys Kitchen Nightmare USA and that house buying programme was on... my mind fully awake throughout a good 2 hours I'd say. I couldn't get back to sleep and even though my eyes were closed, my mind was still very much awake and going through tons of scenario's in my head about... yep, uni.
In the Summer, the thought of going back to University was exciting and I couldn't understand why I never went much the first 2 years - and now, I'm starting to understand. The social aspect is wonderful and the campus itself is very comfortable, but I'm not ready to feel the pressure of having so much work to do and constantly being pressured to do things and feeling lost - almost as though I don't belong. I feel as though I don't belong. I still feel different to everyone else in class, if i'm honest. There's something about me that's different to everyone else, and part of that is me thinking I'm not good enough. I feel like a complete failure.
Whilst my grades for the first semester are looking promising, and I can achieve Firsts and 2:1's, I have nowt to show for it and I wished I reached out sooner for help at university - But no, I waited until April last year, and by then, I was finishing my second year. Too late.
And that's the thing. I'm fighting. I'm always bloody fighting. I'm always trying to keep myself on top and being as strong as I can be then I go home, I go to bed at night, and the reality of this crappy head of mine sets in. The self doubt is strong. I hate myself. I feel like I'll let everyone down, my family, my friends, my lecturers, myself.
It's a sad irony, I get so much reassurance, and it gives me a short, temporary, inspirational buzz, but then, even then I'm questioning how they see that in me? Do they really know how my head works? I can't keep myself focused and it's almost like my mind always wants to focus on the negative things. I try so hard to focus on the positives and I try to be so positive about things - I try so damn hard... but no matter how hard I try, I feel ridiculous.
I feel ridiculous, I feel like I'm an embarrassment at some point. I got bullied all through school to the point I still struggle, to this day, to talk to people like a normal 20 year old. I end up feeling really uncomfortable. I still find it really hard to hold out a conversation with my boyfriends family - I've been with him 2 years 8 months. I keep it short and sweet, always saying something wrong - without any bad intention, embarrassing myself or raising a few eyebrows. It's so hard. I just want to talk to people, have a normal conversation and actually know what I'm talking about. I get thrown so off guard so easily I can forget what I'm talking about - or even, how relevant what I'm talking about is.
It's a depression. It doesn't help that when I go to uni and crave so bad to talk to someone, but yet, to the point I even know I'm a burden to them. I try to stop myself but I just want a conversation, I want to feel human. But I can't. I feel so much of my life has been effected by the bullying, being mistreated by so many people, traumas, the past - that's what it is, and that's where I want to leave it - but how can I? When my past, is what's shaped my present, and my future.
To some, I come across confident. But I'm really not. I cannot look at someone in the eyes and hold a conversation. My eyes are staring all over the place and then I begin getting paranoid: Is this noticeable? I start questioning myself.
These thoughts, they go on and on and on, it's a vicious, vicious circle... but now you've had an insight of what goes on in this little brain of mine when I'm quiet, when I'm staring into space, when I'm being ignored... oh, and that's barely even a quarter of it... never mind half. Welcome to my life.
Anyway, the sleep was so disturbed I woke up at 12:05PM. The latest I have in a long time... a few weeks ago, my days started at 8am and finished at 10PM... now my days finish at 2AM and start at 12PM. I hate that. My hands sweating, I'm assuming this is one side effect I've ignored - my hands are almost always sweating lately and it's really annoying! I constantly have to wash my hands as the sweat is making everything stick. Gross.
I took my tablet and gave my dog his, got changed and went up Dudley to get my boyfriends sister her birthday present, as it's her birthday today - I was up there for an hour but as I was shopping I received a call off my boyfriend, Brad... and unfortunately, my dog had a fit (He has Syringomyelia). It's his second one in 3 weeks, after nearly being fit free for a year and being on tablets - I've come to the conclusion his tablets don't work as they used to or his condition is worsening - which can result into a drill to his skull to relieve the pressure - which his dog-dad is currently undergoing treatment for as they believe he may have to have the operation and is being for the same condition. I booked him in for an earlier appointment to the vet tomorrow in hope that they just up his meds. People don't understand the sheer love I have for my dog, because that dog loves me and knows I'm his owner and it's an amazing feeling.
Anyhows, I got back and done my makeup, before going up Brads then out for a birthday meal with his family. I ordered a chicken and rib combo - 2 chicken skewers and BBQ Ribs with Chips, coleslaw, corn on the cob and Onion rings - I ate it all! It was so good. I then went back to Brads, had a glass of wine and spoke to his family for a bit. By talk, I mean the above.
I couldn't help but feel really down. All I can think about is Uni. I'm not prepared for all this workload and pressure. Especially the project - Yes, I chose to do it... But no matter what I chose to do, i'd feel the same way... unless I work in a group - it's petrifying. I don't like directing. I don't like being the leader. That's not who I am in film - I like to stick to two things only - cinematography and editing. Sigh.
But now I'm home, in bed... and unable to sleep. My motivation is dead... but with a 9.30 start tomorrow, I guess I should probably get as much sleep as I can... if I can.
Hopefully tomorrow, I'll feel better.
I remember last night, I woke up in the night, it must have been between 3 and 6, as it was still pitch black out. I just remember Gordon Ramseys Kitchen Nightmare USA and that house buying programme was on... my mind fully awake throughout a good 2 hours I'd say. I couldn't get back to sleep and even though my eyes were closed, my mind was still very much awake and going through tons of scenario's in my head about... yep, uni.
In the Summer, the thought of going back to University was exciting and I couldn't understand why I never went much the first 2 years - and now, I'm starting to understand. The social aspect is wonderful and the campus itself is very comfortable, but I'm not ready to feel the pressure of having so much work to do and constantly being pressured to do things and feeling lost - almost as though I don't belong. I feel as though I don't belong. I still feel different to everyone else in class, if i'm honest. There's something about me that's different to everyone else, and part of that is me thinking I'm not good enough. I feel like a complete failure.
Whilst my grades for the first semester are looking promising, and I can achieve Firsts and 2:1's, I have nowt to show for it and I wished I reached out sooner for help at university - But no, I waited until April last year, and by then, I was finishing my second year. Too late.
And that's the thing. I'm fighting. I'm always bloody fighting. I'm always trying to keep myself on top and being as strong as I can be then I go home, I go to bed at night, and the reality of this crappy head of mine sets in. The self doubt is strong. I hate myself. I feel like I'll let everyone down, my family, my friends, my lecturers, myself.
It's a sad irony, I get so much reassurance, and it gives me a short, temporary, inspirational buzz, but then, even then I'm questioning how they see that in me? Do they really know how my head works? I can't keep myself focused and it's almost like my mind always wants to focus on the negative things. I try so hard to focus on the positives and I try to be so positive about things - I try so damn hard... but no matter how hard I try, I feel ridiculous.
I feel ridiculous, I feel like I'm an embarrassment at some point. I got bullied all through school to the point I still struggle, to this day, to talk to people like a normal 20 year old. I end up feeling really uncomfortable. I still find it really hard to hold out a conversation with my boyfriends family - I've been with him 2 years 8 months. I keep it short and sweet, always saying something wrong - without any bad intention, embarrassing myself or raising a few eyebrows. It's so hard. I just want to talk to people, have a normal conversation and actually know what I'm talking about. I get thrown so off guard so easily I can forget what I'm talking about - or even, how relevant what I'm talking about is.
It's a depression. It doesn't help that when I go to uni and crave so bad to talk to someone, but yet, to the point I even know I'm a burden to them. I try to stop myself but I just want a conversation, I want to feel human. But I can't. I feel so much of my life has been effected by the bullying, being mistreated by so many people, traumas, the past - that's what it is, and that's where I want to leave it - but how can I? When my past, is what's shaped my present, and my future.
To some, I come across confident. But I'm really not. I cannot look at someone in the eyes and hold a conversation. My eyes are staring all over the place and then I begin getting paranoid: Is this noticeable? I start questioning myself.
These thoughts, they go on and on and on, it's a vicious, vicious circle... but now you've had an insight of what goes on in this little brain of mine when I'm quiet, when I'm staring into space, when I'm being ignored... oh, and that's barely even a quarter of it... never mind half. Welcome to my life.
Anyway, the sleep was so disturbed I woke up at 12:05PM. The latest I have in a long time... a few weeks ago, my days started at 8am and finished at 10PM... now my days finish at 2AM and start at 12PM. I hate that. My hands sweating, I'm assuming this is one side effect I've ignored - my hands are almost always sweating lately and it's really annoying! I constantly have to wash my hands as the sweat is making everything stick. Gross.
I took my tablet and gave my dog his, got changed and went up Dudley to get my boyfriends sister her birthday present, as it's her birthday today - I was up there for an hour but as I was shopping I received a call off my boyfriend, Brad... and unfortunately, my dog had a fit (He has Syringomyelia). It's his second one in 3 weeks, after nearly being fit free for a year and being on tablets - I've come to the conclusion his tablets don't work as they used to or his condition is worsening - which can result into a drill to his skull to relieve the pressure - which his dog-dad is currently undergoing treatment for as they believe he may have to have the operation and is being for the same condition. I booked him in for an earlier appointment to the vet tomorrow in hope that they just up his meds. People don't understand the sheer love I have for my dog, because that dog loves me and knows I'm his owner and it's an amazing feeling.
Anyhows, I got back and done my makeup, before going up Brads then out for a birthday meal with his family. I ordered a chicken and rib combo - 2 chicken skewers and BBQ Ribs with Chips, coleslaw, corn on the cob and Onion rings - I ate it all! It was so good. I then went back to Brads, had a glass of wine and spoke to his family for a bit. By talk, I mean the above.
I couldn't help but feel really down. All I can think about is Uni. I'm not prepared for all this workload and pressure. Especially the project - Yes, I chose to do it... But no matter what I chose to do, i'd feel the same way... unless I work in a group - it's petrifying. I don't like directing. I don't like being the leader. That's not who I am in film - I like to stick to two things only - cinematography and editing. Sigh.
But now I'm home, in bed... and unable to sleep. My motivation is dead... but with a 9.30 start tomorrow, I guess I should probably get as much sleep as I can... if I can.
Hopefully tomorrow, I'll feel better.
Friday, 5 January 2018
Citalopram - Day 9 - Getting things done
I feel like life is flying by rather quickly. 9 Days already I've been taking this tablet. Still on 10mg so it probably isn't affecting me as much as the regular dose should be.
I struggled again to get out of bed. My dreams are still incredibly vivid and strange. I'll dream of things I always worry about which is unusual, from failing my university course and not graduating, to finding out I'm having a baby (which I'm not quite ready for), to even all my hair falling out and balding. Last night, I had another dream where my hair was coming out. I was looking in the mirror in this dream and my hair was coming out in chunks and I was going bald - Like what you see in those dodgy horror movies.
I'm still not quite sure what's going on with my body - I do know, however, I haven't had any impulses - which is normally a common thing for me. I can get pretty impulsive, but since taking this I haven't been impulsive at all. I've felt no sudden urge to do nothing and I just feel in a constant daze - sort of.
I'm losing weight too, which is unusual to say I've been eating crap for the last month due to Christmas. I've not gained anything which you'd expect, although over the summer I lose 3 stone, so I was very surprised to not gain anything. If anything, since the other day, I've lost 2lbs even though I'm eating easily a tub of pringles nearly every day, I'm having take aways and McDonalds, and even brownies. I'll try not jinx myself though. I only have 10lbs to lose before I'm truly happy.
I've had yet, another lazy day. I spent the afternoon playing games again and set myself a little goal - Today I will start my dissertation. Come nearly 7PM, I finally managed to get a start on my dissertation after spending an hour staring at books and a screen not knowing what the hell I've got to do. But I'm glad now, because I managed to type up 700 words, which has put my dissertation total to 800 - 1/10th of what it needs to be by May. The relief when I at least managed to get something done was amazing. It felt truly rewarding and to think I'd spent months putting it off - Finally, I have something written and I enjoyed it more than I thought. Even though I did have a bit of writers block - or just the fact I didn't know what I was doing. Reading the dissertation my lecture gave me to go from over, and over, and over again trying to understand the style.
I cleaned up the Kitchen again but again, another day where the side effects have thankfully been minimal. I'm out and about tomorrow for a meal and whatever else... but things are slowly getting there!!
I struggled again to get out of bed. My dreams are still incredibly vivid and strange. I'll dream of things I always worry about which is unusual, from failing my university course and not graduating, to finding out I'm having a baby (which I'm not quite ready for), to even all my hair falling out and balding. Last night, I had another dream where my hair was coming out. I was looking in the mirror in this dream and my hair was coming out in chunks and I was going bald - Like what you see in those dodgy horror movies.
I'm still not quite sure what's going on with my body - I do know, however, I haven't had any impulses - which is normally a common thing for me. I can get pretty impulsive, but since taking this I haven't been impulsive at all. I've felt no sudden urge to do nothing and I just feel in a constant daze - sort of.
I'm losing weight too, which is unusual to say I've been eating crap for the last month due to Christmas. I've not gained anything which you'd expect, although over the summer I lose 3 stone, so I was very surprised to not gain anything. If anything, since the other day, I've lost 2lbs even though I'm eating easily a tub of pringles nearly every day, I'm having take aways and McDonalds, and even brownies. I'll try not jinx myself though. I only have 10lbs to lose before I'm truly happy.
I've had yet, another lazy day. I spent the afternoon playing games again and set myself a little goal - Today I will start my dissertation. Come nearly 7PM, I finally managed to get a start on my dissertation after spending an hour staring at books and a screen not knowing what the hell I've got to do. But I'm glad now, because I managed to type up 700 words, which has put my dissertation total to 800 - 1/10th of what it needs to be by May. The relief when I at least managed to get something done was amazing. It felt truly rewarding and to think I'd spent months putting it off - Finally, I have something written and I enjoyed it more than I thought. Even though I did have a bit of writers block - or just the fact I didn't know what I was doing. Reading the dissertation my lecture gave me to go from over, and over, and over again trying to understand the style.
I cleaned up the Kitchen again but again, another day where the side effects have thankfully been minimal. I'm out and about tomorrow for a meal and whatever else... but things are slowly getting there!!
Thursday, 4 January 2018
Citalopram - Day 8 - Out and about
So I decided to make the titles more interesting.
I had a blood test this morning - so I set my alarm for 8.30. As expected... the struggle to get up and out the bed was ridiculously hard. 9.25 arrived and by now I had an hour to be in the doctors. I pushed myself out of bed in the end and jumped in the shower. I'm very much one of these people if I don't shower on the night, I will in the morning. It's crazy to think I could go 2 days without a wash and be fine but now I darnt try. Not only that... It's unhygenic really isn't it? Particularly in women... It's very much frowned upon.
Anyway, within half hour I was washed, changed, hair straightened and out the house. By the time I got to the doctors and had my blood test I was ready to do a little shopping. The blood test was due to my hair falling out. I took the longer bus to go shopping today. I felt the need to. As soon as I got to merry hill I was starving. But it was 11.20 and I wanted a macdonalds... so I waited until 12.20. For that hour I went into Debenhams and picked out some new Jeans and a very thick, beautiful fleece top... totalling £24 rather than £65 As it's the sales. My nan gave me a £20 one4all gift card so I'd spent that instantly.
After I had a maccies. All of a sudden I started to feel a little dizzy. I'm starting to wonder whether the bright colours has something to do with my dizziness- if I go back to the time I lived in Stafford for uni, and I went shopping. In one shop it was so overwhelming I had to walk out - and I notice this happen a lot when I'm exposed a lot to shops. I'm not sure if it's an inner anxiety or what but it's confusing. I think the meds don't help too and the fact i had not eaten all morning wasn't good either. I did take my tablets whilst queing, though.. on an empty stomach.
Anyway after maccies I looked around for a few birthday presents for people. January is the worse for birthdays!! I then bumped into one of my doctors. He hesitated as though he was waiting for me to say something. But I just said my usual hello and told him I'm just looking for some packing boxes... for my dad. Well that was boring. I continued out the shop and eventually found a packing kit in Ryman.
Eventually I went home. Normal bus... and I had a call and email regarding my CBT which thankfully is still going ahead. I'm so excited. Me and my friend have also booked Pole classes, which I could do with. It sounds quite enjoyable and is supposed to improve every aspect of your physique which I could do with.
So all in all the days been positive. I'm still struggling to push myself to write more in my dissertation. Tomorrow, I will do it.
Wednesday, 3 January 2018
Citalopram - Day 7
Finally! A week.
So I've been on 10mg for a week now. According to sources I should up my dose to 20mg but for some reason my doctor told me to give it 3 weeks... so now I just wait.
All dodgy side effects have gone. I do now notice a little bit more motivation there. My confidence is still a little low but at least the confidence is starting to build itself back up again.
Another thing I've noticed is I can sit still for more than 5 minutes. Before I would dread to stay in because my mind couldn't focus and i would overthink all the negatives. Now, I just... relax. Watch a film. Read a book. Do nothing. I'm actually alright.
It's been another, and possibly a final lazy day for me. I've got to still yet dig up the courage to get my uni work done. That on it's own is a killer.
Now, just 6 days until CBT, 8 until I step back to uni for the first time in a month, and 12 until I officially go back. Here's to making the most of that time off Aye!!
Tuesday, 2 January 2018
Citalopram - Day 6
I ended up having another vivid dream. I've noticed this be one very common side effect whenever I take any medication. From when I first started taking cerelle (Mini pill) to this. The dreams always seem to follow a pattern. I'll dream things like being pregnant and finding out by a test, which is normally the most common dream, but last night was extra weird... it wasn't a positive pregnancy test but positive with something else!!! Strange. Very strange indeed!
Anyway, I woke up at 9am to the sounds of children screaming and playing. My house is behind a primary school but I assumed they started thursday. 'Nevermind' I thought! I then really struggled to get back to sleep. I was super tired from another night of no sleep. Eventually I woke up at 11.30. I sat up in bed and red a chapter of the book I'd be reading... and 12 took my usual tablets and gave my dog his too.
No word of a lie, i went back upstairs. I'd listen to the sound of children innocently playing, 'blissful' I thought. I continued to read my book and by now it was hammering it down with rain... children still playing outside in it. It's the small things that make you feel grateful. I felt truly relaxed. I took an occasional break in which i would find myself watching short videos online... and by 4pm... I realised I spent almost 5 hours in bed, reading and watching, relaxing.
I love reading. It takes you into an alternative universe. I really enjoy that sometimes. It's like a form of escapism... you enter this universe in your head, imagining the book as though it were a film in front of you.
I ate my tea, and continued reading. I had a nasty tummy ache and tummy grumbling for hours after eating. I found I've no appetite, except when it came to Pringles. I couldn't stop eating them... I still can't!
I feel the side effects of the lower dose has weared off now. I'll continue updating my day to day. But it's safe to say I feel I can go on as normal. A few times I'll question of I took it at all. For a moment today, I also felt a sense of relaxation, of relief. I'd spent the last year going crazy. Stressing out, but here I am... able to wake up. Sit down and stare into things... listening to the silence that surrounds me. Good, peaceful silence. No tv needed. Just silence, and a book.
So now I'll just log my daily adventure with you until they up my meds! Let's hope that's the end of those scary side effects!
Citalopram - Day 5
So I guess I forgot to blog last night! But in all honesty, there wasn't much to blog on.
As it was New year's I was out until 2am. I had 1 Malibu and coke, 1 amarretto and coke, and 2 small glasses of wine. All spread out and pigged out on food so as though it won't affect me much - which worked. The smallest bit of alcohol was sending me dizzy. I noticed myself be very dazed and ridiculously tired. I hadn't felt the same excitement over a new year as normal. It just felt like another day. Normally by the end of a year, I'll cry. But for the first time ever I felt nothing. No emotion - could the tablets be taking effect now? Anyway, come 2am we all left and walked 2 miles back home. Thankfully it wasn't freezing so I was fine.
Again, I had another vivid dream, this time my hair was all falling out. Now I'm already seeing the doctor about this as more and more chunks of hair keep coming out... so to dream it was no surprise. My hair had gotten so thin and I'm scared I'll genuinely have nothing left at this rate!
I woke up at 10, so I'd not had much sleep compared to what I'm used to - so my body on it's own was pretty tired. As usual, 12 approached and I took another tablet and waited for the affects to take place.
Unlike the other days, yesterday there wasn't really anything. I stayed in my pyjamas again all day - I had it drilled that this will be my last 'break' day and therefore make the most of it.
Hours passed as normal and I didn't really feel anything. Not dizzy, not shaking. Not what I was constantly getting. Good, I thought.
Come the night time and I really struggled to settle. Tossing and turning constantly, over and over but I just couldn't sleep. My mind making up it's own scenarios in it's head. Strange!
So except the vivid dreams and the struggle to sleep or feel much emotion... there wasn't really much side effect wise I could report on. So maybe my body is getting used to it. I'll be back at the doctors in 2 weeks to go up to 20mg. Kinda scary because I'll be back at uni and god knows how 20mg is gonna affect me!
And lastly, a happy New year to everyone, and thanks for following me on my journey.
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