So I've finally pulled the string and gone Decaf - Well, not entirely.
I've given myself a rule, a realistic rule, to not have caffeine after 12PM. Period. None. It's working well.
It all started almost 2 weeks ago. I went into CBT and my Therapist asked me how much coffee I have... then I was like 'Well, I have 2 or 3 latte's at uni a day, then 2 or 3 cups of teas, and sometimes a bottle of Pepsi Max' - She just looked at me. The first week I started CBT I was only having 3 cups of tea's a day, max, and maybe a Pepsi Max... But suddenly I've almost doubled my caffeine in the space of a few weeks. Seamlessly, mind. She was a bit surprised, and then she told me a Latte is 2 shots of Espresso normally! Well, I had no idea! I thought it was just a normal coffee shot with milk instead of water... turns out I was pretty wrong. She told me to go Decaf if possible. Even if I cut most the caffeine out.
I stick to promises as much as I could, and as soon as that session finished, I went straight to Asda, and yes, Brought myself Decaf tea... the most annoying bit? The price of the stuff! It was almost a quid more than the normal tea. Daylight robbery!
Why do I have so much coffee/tea? Well, it's simple. I'm a student. No, seriously, if I was at home or in a job I wouldn't drink as much to keep me awake. I'm tired most the day, or depressed, or sluggish, so it gives me that buzz I need! Except the fact I'd be more aware of things going on, and a little bit shaky, and unable to keep still... But at least I had energy. At least.
The first day going Decaf, cold turkey, was simply insane. It was a Friday and I went to uni, I seriously didn't think I was addicted, not one bit. It's just a drink I'd tell myself. I'd convince myself I couldn't be addicted. I don't have anything that makes me wanna drink it except taste. I have all sorts of Lattes - Caramel, Hazelnut, Cinnamon, Chai, Salted Caramel, Vanilla, Gingerbread... the lot. Anyhow's, I brought a decaf latte from the uni, drank it... By 12PM, I felt agitated, I felt tired, I had an headache, and I just wanted to tell my lecturer I didn't really care because I'm exhausted and feel like crap... then it clicked... this, suddenly, out of nowhere? The cause... I needed a fix! I went to the Costa and brought myself a latte. I couldn't cope. This was stupid and I was so annoyed with myself.
After that, I decided 1 or 2 caffeine drinks a day, before 12PM. Some days I'll have a tea, some days a latte, some days both, but it must be before 12PM, it must be finished before 12PM, and it mustn't exceed 2. It's a lot easier.
It's been 10 days now, and finally I'm sleeping a lot better, this morning, I woke up suddenly feeling ever so awake like I'd never been before. I felt good. I slept well in the night for the first time in ages - Only waking up once, for my dog, rather than several times for different reasons.
I don't think Caffeine is bad. I know in the summer I'll need that cold fix and when it comes to cold drinks, there's not much sugar free I like except Pepsi Max, and I don't like the thought of all that sugar going in my system from other pops and drinks... So i know I'll be having a Pepsi Max or two daily and cut out the Latte's and Tea's, or at least cut down. At the moment, the warmth is mainly comfort.
Yes, I've become that weird one that goes to a café and ask for a Skinny Decaf Sugar Free Vanilla Latte, Regular. YES I am that irritating one. And no, I don't care, because I love the taste and I don't want to put weight on. It's a win - win in my eyes!
Well, win for me, not so much for the person serving me who looks blankly as if I've just killed a man or something. But ok.
3 Months into my meds too. It's going alright I guess. I mean, I'm alright I think. I'm also nearly 3 months into my CBT. I feel good at the moment, and that's always good.
Sorry about the lack of updates too. I'm still on top of my work - And I intend keeping that way. I've got 5 weeks left of uni, so the next time I update this may be once I'm done, or just before. So keep your eyes peeled! Who knows where my stress levels take me? Hopefully they don't tear me down!
Tuesday 20 March 2018
Friday 23 February 2018
Why Schools Need To Teach Mental Health In PSHE
I've left school for a good 5 years nearly, now... and what surprises me is the lack of moving forward, particularly in PSHE - Which I learnt stands for Personal, Social, Health and Economic Education... Which means, they teach things that at some point will benefit their Students.
Now don't get me wrong, I personally can't remember anything except how to put a Condom on a Banana from PSHE. I can't remember much of what was taught. I do, however, know that for a few weeks we had nothing, and therefore my Form Tutor would put music on or popular youtube videos on for us to watch and enjoy. Not a problem - Sure.
But I have one big question about this, why isn't Mental Health on there? We learn growing up not to mock or bully someone with a disability, so if we see someone in a Wheelchair or other visible disabilities, we know not to judge - But what about invisible illnesses? That schools and students normally pass off as 'hormones' or 'attention seeking', when in fact, it's something a lot more serious and on the rise.
Do I think that the world is getting more depressed? Hell no. Yes, the number of diagnosed Mental Health conditions is the highest it's ever been, and the amount of people in therapies and on Medication as at an all time high - But this is not because the world is more depressed, this is because, finally, people are more aware, and people are becoming less ashamed; which is amazing. It's amazing to finally live in a world where I can be like 'Yo, yeah, I got Anxiety and Depression but I'll give it a shot. But be aware... I don't feel comfortable' rather than being like 'I don't want to do it... I've got XYZ planned (Though I had nothing because I had no other way explaining how I felt)'.
In school, because of the lack of support and the lack of understanding, I used to think that to have depression, must mean you're a depressing person. You can't be happy. You want to die or you hurt yourself - But in reality, I had depression, and I came across bubbly, crazy even. Yes there were times I wished I were never born - unsurprising really. But I never really hurt myself. I couldn't be depressed? Yeah, I thought I couldn't be depressed.
School now teaches probably more than it used to. You learn all about the Romans and the Royals, and the wars in History, you learn about Rocks, Maps, the earth as a whole in Geography, you learn about Plants, Planets, and the Periodic Table in Science, you learn about freaking Macbeth in English as well as Romeo and Juliet (Though I think they've slightly changed it), and Numbers and equations and algebra in Maths. You get where I'm going... But where are the fundamental things? The things that will probably help reduce bullying, raise awareness, teach staff, teach students, about their Mind. They don't have to be perfect all the time, and it's completely OK not to be OK. If I knew about Mental Health in High School as I do now, I could have reached out for proper, professional help years ago and not denied myself of love and support. I needed that. I needed that and I hid it away.
There are so many opportunities in PSHE to teach this. They've not ran out of things to teach - and it's something that can be quite enjoyable. Teaching about mental health doesn't have to be boring. Make it interactive - Maybe get the class to Draw what they think someone with depression looks like, and then show them what it actually looks like (A normal everyday human being going out smiling, yeah), maybe even show them celebrities that have it. Get them to learn about de-stress techniques, you're teaching kids that are setting their exams! Teach them how to cope with stress - because trust me, a lot of them need it. Get stress balls, teach them the power of meditation, get them to watch videos. Have a de-stress session. It's half hour out of their day, but a great way to start their day... what would be wrong with it?
Early Intervention is Key. 1 in 3 people will Struggle with their mental health at some point in their life. Let's narrow that down -
Say you have a class of 24 people, about 8 of those will at some point suffer from Mental Health. This doesn't have to be Depression Or Anxiety, there's so many out there to talk about such as:
- Borderline Personality Disorder
- Bipolar
- Schizophrenia
- PTSD
- Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder
- Psychosis
- Eating Disorders (Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating Disorder)
- OCD
The list is endless. If we start teaching students about these - This will help not only teach them healthier coping mechanisms, but also possibly prevent them developing more, long term Mental Health Conditions. It may even get more Students to speak out. In hindsight, there is nothing damaging that can come of having Mental Health in PSHE curriculum, and that's why I think it's so important that schools finally do this.
Now don't get me wrong, I personally can't remember anything except how to put a Condom on a Banana from PSHE. I can't remember much of what was taught. I do, however, know that for a few weeks we had nothing, and therefore my Form Tutor would put music on or popular youtube videos on for us to watch and enjoy. Not a problem - Sure.
But I have one big question about this, why isn't Mental Health on there? We learn growing up not to mock or bully someone with a disability, so if we see someone in a Wheelchair or other visible disabilities, we know not to judge - But what about invisible illnesses? That schools and students normally pass off as 'hormones' or 'attention seeking', when in fact, it's something a lot more serious and on the rise.
Do I think that the world is getting more depressed? Hell no. Yes, the number of diagnosed Mental Health conditions is the highest it's ever been, and the amount of people in therapies and on Medication as at an all time high - But this is not because the world is more depressed, this is because, finally, people are more aware, and people are becoming less ashamed; which is amazing. It's amazing to finally live in a world where I can be like 'Yo, yeah, I got Anxiety and Depression but I'll give it a shot. But be aware... I don't feel comfortable' rather than being like 'I don't want to do it... I've got XYZ planned (Though I had nothing because I had no other way explaining how I felt)'.
In school, because of the lack of support and the lack of understanding, I used to think that to have depression, must mean you're a depressing person. You can't be happy. You want to die or you hurt yourself - But in reality, I had depression, and I came across bubbly, crazy even. Yes there were times I wished I were never born - unsurprising really. But I never really hurt myself. I couldn't be depressed? Yeah, I thought I couldn't be depressed.
School now teaches probably more than it used to. You learn all about the Romans and the Royals, and the wars in History, you learn about Rocks, Maps, the earth as a whole in Geography, you learn about Plants, Planets, and the Periodic Table in Science, you learn about freaking Macbeth in English as well as Romeo and Juliet (Though I think they've slightly changed it), and Numbers and equations and algebra in Maths. You get where I'm going... But where are the fundamental things? The things that will probably help reduce bullying, raise awareness, teach staff, teach students, about their Mind. They don't have to be perfect all the time, and it's completely OK not to be OK. If I knew about Mental Health in High School as I do now, I could have reached out for proper, professional help years ago and not denied myself of love and support. I needed that. I needed that and I hid it away.
There are so many opportunities in PSHE to teach this. They've not ran out of things to teach - and it's something that can be quite enjoyable. Teaching about mental health doesn't have to be boring. Make it interactive - Maybe get the class to Draw what they think someone with depression looks like, and then show them what it actually looks like (A normal everyday human being going out smiling, yeah), maybe even show them celebrities that have it. Get them to learn about de-stress techniques, you're teaching kids that are setting their exams! Teach them how to cope with stress - because trust me, a lot of them need it. Get stress balls, teach them the power of meditation, get them to watch videos. Have a de-stress session. It's half hour out of their day, but a great way to start their day... what would be wrong with it?
Early Intervention is Key. 1 in 3 people will Struggle with their mental health at some point in their life. Let's narrow that down -
Say you have a class of 24 people, about 8 of those will at some point suffer from Mental Health. This doesn't have to be Depression Or Anxiety, there's so many out there to talk about such as:
- Borderline Personality Disorder
- Bipolar
- Schizophrenia
- PTSD
- Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder
- Psychosis
- Eating Disorders (Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating Disorder)
- OCD
The list is endless. If we start teaching students about these - This will help not only teach them healthier coping mechanisms, but also possibly prevent them developing more, long term Mental Health Conditions. It may even get more Students to speak out. In hindsight, there is nothing damaging that can come of having Mental Health in PSHE curriculum, and that's why I think it's so important that schools finally do this.
Monday 19 February 2018
20mg - University - Stress & Dizziness
Wasn't quite sure what the title could be for this Blog! So I decided to name it... everything this blog is going to be about.
I've been on 20mg for almost a month now. I can't really report any obvious side effects because I am fine... except when I do get stressed! Oh boy, do I know about it. Rather than going frozen and feeling like my heads going to physically explode, instead, I go dizzy. Very dizzy. And very hot... and sometimes a little angry. I know Thursday just gone, I felt a lot of stress from the workload I have been doing. It became a little hard to cope. I had to walk out of class and go for a little break for some air. I felt, somewhat, like I was suffocating. Every time I think of all the work I've got to do, it puts an enormous amount of pressure on me. I get angry and agitated and I get the feeling I want to scream or punch something or someone up - Literally. Just need some sort of release. I feel somewhat like a Lion preying on a Zebra and I need to attack... although, physically and mentally, I wouldn't and I don't have the heart to. So I just wait for someone to do the smallest thing to annoy me so I can snap - But that never happened so I did something better - Walk out of class for 15 minutes and cool it off. It was still there but at least a better alternative.
Friday was the complete opposite, filled with optimism and enthusiasm. I felt like I could get anything done and therefore sorted myself out to come into University next Thursday (1st March)... on my 21st, to get some training so I don't feel as anxious or as a failure. Obviously without a bit of fail you don't learn, but my fear is absolutely fucking my work up to the point I've embarrassed myself and wasted £40k studying. I know by September I want a job within the industry - Easier said than done, don't get me wrong, but I'm already looking and I want something I can be proud of.
I managed to successfully finish the whole of last Semester on a 2:1 grade which is amazing. I've got 2:1 throughout this year which means I'm halfway there. I've just got to continue getting a 2:1 or better and I'll hopefully graduate with that. But at the moment, I'm focusing on the quality of my work. Something I can be proud of and to show off. Maybe enter it into some festivals.
I know on Monday (Slightly backtracking, sorry), I felt very much under pressure from my Lecturers to the point I hurt a lot. Not just mentally but the pain became physical. Because I thought I was ahead and doing well and then they asked me a bunch of questions and I can only explain it as a thousand voices going on in your head and suddenly I broke. I literally broke down. I realised Anxiety is ruining my life and I know I can do this. I know I have the ability, and hopefully the talent. I have the determination just not the motivation... And that's the problem. I was pretty upset the whole day by the words, and I told her, because she said she didn't think I could do it. Out of nowhere. But I hold no grudges, I understand why she did that. Because she did that motivated me to prove her wrong - of all things! I didn't want people not believing in me! But at the same time... I didn't want them believing in me because that gives me a pressure to not let them down. I wasn't willing to let them down, and I certainly felt like I did on Monday, and that's why it hurt, but also why it motivated me. I sorted out a meeting INSTANTLY that I've been saying for 2 weeks previously i'm 'sorting out but awaiting reply', obviously with enough persistance, and that Monday, we got it sorted. Wonderful! I went into her within an hour and told her.
I'm glad I sorted that meeting. The Wednesday I went I realised how amazing I can make this Documentary. It can truly, truly be wonderful! I Just need a crew - Another anxiety. I am going to be their leader... but ok... you don't learn in your comfort zone I guess. I can lead and I can be dominant if I need to, so I will do what I can.
Now all that's sorted. This next week will be sorting out all the dates of filming and confirming crew. It's slightly scary - But ok. I've also started CBT which has been a help. Of all things, she has asked if I want to take a week off CBT to do this work, I agreed. Maybe it's what I need - and she's challenged me to put myself in an intense anxious situation - actually filming it. Siiike. But I get it. I want to get better, so I'm going to do it. I'm going to FIGHT this anxiety. I always thought my depression took over, but really, that depression was only there because of an anxiety that refused to go away. I still get fearful of men, I still get fearful of people, but how will I ever get better if I don't allow myself to be in their presence?
Nonetheless, I am sorry I haven't updated you all in a while. But I've really prioritised my uni work... and I'll promise to update you in the next few weeks and tell you how I got on and how I feel. Today I've been to doctors and he too has given me a 2 month prescription so I can focus on my uni work - rather than a 1 months (I'm not complaining, I've saved £8.60 as I only got charged for it once). Winner! He's a great doctor. He said 'We will give you two months so you can focus on that uni work and you're all done!' and he said it so enthusiastically it really lifted my mood. It's crazy how it works isn't it. But after that appointment, it's like he pushed his happiness and enthusiasm onto me. I like that!
I've been on 20mg for almost a month now. I can't really report any obvious side effects because I am fine... except when I do get stressed! Oh boy, do I know about it. Rather than going frozen and feeling like my heads going to physically explode, instead, I go dizzy. Very dizzy. And very hot... and sometimes a little angry. I know Thursday just gone, I felt a lot of stress from the workload I have been doing. It became a little hard to cope. I had to walk out of class and go for a little break for some air. I felt, somewhat, like I was suffocating. Every time I think of all the work I've got to do, it puts an enormous amount of pressure on me. I get angry and agitated and I get the feeling I want to scream or punch something or someone up - Literally. Just need some sort of release. I feel somewhat like a Lion preying on a Zebra and I need to attack... although, physically and mentally, I wouldn't and I don't have the heart to. So I just wait for someone to do the smallest thing to annoy me so I can snap - But that never happened so I did something better - Walk out of class for 15 minutes and cool it off. It was still there but at least a better alternative.
Friday was the complete opposite, filled with optimism and enthusiasm. I felt like I could get anything done and therefore sorted myself out to come into University next Thursday (1st March)... on my 21st, to get some training so I don't feel as anxious or as a failure. Obviously without a bit of fail you don't learn, but my fear is absolutely fucking my work up to the point I've embarrassed myself and wasted £40k studying. I know by September I want a job within the industry - Easier said than done, don't get me wrong, but I'm already looking and I want something I can be proud of.
I managed to successfully finish the whole of last Semester on a 2:1 grade which is amazing. I've got 2:1 throughout this year which means I'm halfway there. I've just got to continue getting a 2:1 or better and I'll hopefully graduate with that. But at the moment, I'm focusing on the quality of my work. Something I can be proud of and to show off. Maybe enter it into some festivals.
I know on Monday (Slightly backtracking, sorry), I felt very much under pressure from my Lecturers to the point I hurt a lot. Not just mentally but the pain became physical. Because I thought I was ahead and doing well and then they asked me a bunch of questions and I can only explain it as a thousand voices going on in your head and suddenly I broke. I literally broke down. I realised Anxiety is ruining my life and I know I can do this. I know I have the ability, and hopefully the talent. I have the determination just not the motivation... And that's the problem. I was pretty upset the whole day by the words, and I told her, because she said she didn't think I could do it. Out of nowhere. But I hold no grudges, I understand why she did that. Because she did that motivated me to prove her wrong - of all things! I didn't want people not believing in me! But at the same time... I didn't want them believing in me because that gives me a pressure to not let them down. I wasn't willing to let them down, and I certainly felt like I did on Monday, and that's why it hurt, but also why it motivated me. I sorted out a meeting INSTANTLY that I've been saying for 2 weeks previously i'm 'sorting out but awaiting reply', obviously with enough persistance, and that Monday, we got it sorted. Wonderful! I went into her within an hour and told her.
I'm glad I sorted that meeting. The Wednesday I went I realised how amazing I can make this Documentary. It can truly, truly be wonderful! I Just need a crew - Another anxiety. I am going to be their leader... but ok... you don't learn in your comfort zone I guess. I can lead and I can be dominant if I need to, so I will do what I can.
Now all that's sorted. This next week will be sorting out all the dates of filming and confirming crew. It's slightly scary - But ok. I've also started CBT which has been a help. Of all things, she has asked if I want to take a week off CBT to do this work, I agreed. Maybe it's what I need - and she's challenged me to put myself in an intense anxious situation - actually filming it. Siiike. But I get it. I want to get better, so I'm going to do it. I'm going to FIGHT this anxiety. I always thought my depression took over, but really, that depression was only there because of an anxiety that refused to go away. I still get fearful of men, I still get fearful of people, but how will I ever get better if I don't allow myself to be in their presence?
Nonetheless, I am sorry I haven't updated you all in a while. But I've really prioritised my uni work... and I'll promise to update you in the next few weeks and tell you how I got on and how I feel. Today I've been to doctors and he too has given me a 2 month prescription so I can focus on my uni work - rather than a 1 months (I'm not complaining, I've saved £8.60 as I only got charged for it once). Winner! He's a great doctor. He said 'We will give you two months so you can focus on that uni work and you're all done!' and he said it so enthusiastically it really lifted my mood. It's crazy how it works isn't it. But after that appointment, it's like he pushed his happiness and enthusiasm onto me. I like that!
Sunday 14 January 2018
Warning Signs
I can't really remember, exactly, truthfully, how long I've had this for, now... but I do know it's been a long time, and the signs have been there since early childhood.
I grew up in an ever so loving home. I had everything I ever needed and I was doing OK at school. I was always clean, I had a close relationship with my parents, I had a happy home, and I was always loved - so how did I end up like this?
I mean, there's no denying I've had some traumatic events in the past - but that's where it should be left, in the past, yet, I can't shrug that off my shoulders. It's there everyday, and the dark horse is always there to remind you of it; depression. Except, it plays on my mind... how did I end up caught in some very unfortunate events? All so close together. I look back on life and I remember, even down to my earliest memories, not all is as it seems, and the world can be an evil place full of people there who want to take advantage of you and your loved ones; because they think they can. They can't. It's not ok. It never will be.
Why did no one notice me? In Primary school I had all the warning signs and no one noticed. I'd sit in class, daydreaming, teachers constantly telling me off for it. I'd constantly be scared of other kids. Heck, at one point, I'd deliberately hit my head off some of the pillars on the structure of the school for a bit of extra attention, oh, and how can anyone forget, I used to always knot my hair, deliberately. It became a habit to the point school would contact mum - or vice versa.
Thankfully, my parents never had the misfortune of seeing me like that. At home there were no obvious warning signals, except I used to constantly hear voices and see lights and shadows follow me, but nothing that I would say out loud because I managed to get myself used to it - and I wished I told them sooner about the smallest of things that would make me like that.
I was always the 'outcast' kid at school. I never had any friends and I always got bullied, from Primary school all the way to Secondary - It never stopped. I always had an impulsive attitude, and I ended up getting so anxious, I avoided other kids and became addicted to playing laptop games from the age of 10. My Mum, bless her, always so oblivious to what was going on inside my head - She knew I was anxious of other kids and she knew I practically hid away - But she saw it as a way of me being safe - Out of sight, out of mind, whereas at home, at least she knows I'll be safe.
I remember feeling like the world ignored me - I felt like a ghost. All I ever wanted was for someone to reach out, and no one ever did; I had a lovely Mentor at school who I was able to confide in, but she was a family friend. I had a school nurse who I was able to talk about my anxious feelings about... But again, I couldn't properly reach out, whilst internally screaming for help.
That's the thing, it eats you up, and it starts of inside. Lot's of people I knew had coping mechanisms such as self harm or drugs or even smoking - not me. None of that appealed to me. I was just being eaten away inside and there was nowt I could do about it, but deal with it, one day at a time.
I went into Autopilot. I'd wake up, go to school, come back, go on computer, then go to bed. That was my life for 6 years. Pretty boring, huh? Yep. Very. At one stage at school, I'd leave at 7AM and be in school for 7.30, just to avoid everyone. My anxiety got that bad. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to do anything. I'd became so introverted, so quiet, I had no voice.
During my time in high school, I came across a lot of leaps and bounds - I lost my Nan, she was like a second mother to me, amazing. 6 months later, I nearly lost my brother as someone tried to murder him, and 6 months after that, I went to Isle Of Man where police suspected I was being groomed, and had to have a police escort home, and interviews by social services - and that was because, finally, for the first time in my life, I felt comfortable and confided in some people I saw as friends, yeah, I was 15 and this couple was 24 and 42 at the time... But that didn't matter to me, at the time... Years have passed and now I'm questioning whether I was or not. I see where authorities coming from, but at the same time, I don't. There's a lot of missing pieces in that puzzle - still. I just know during this time, my parents were at logger heads and it's the one thing my mum regrets most, but it was never her fault.
I was hoping college would be a better start for me, but my depression and anxiety was still bad, I started to discover I'd get very easily latched on to women to confide to - No matter what, men were a no go. I become attached - and I still do. It got to a point I wished time after time if I could not wake up, I got so fed up. I felt like a waste of space. I felt like my life was going to always be this way and I was always going to be a mess. I hated myself. My body. My face. Everything. I remember, March 2014, I had enough and I decided I needed more help. I finally got put on Medication, but that same month, I remember fearing going home one day to my mum being dead. I was 17.
It was March 17th, 9PM, and mum was screaming in Agony and I remember I was trying to sleep. In the end I gave up and went downstairs, eventually I called an ambulance, and 3 weeks in hospital found she had a Major Heart Attack in the past. She now has COPD, Angina, Arthiritis and Heart Failure. She was only 46 at the time.
I felt like I was going insane. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, and all I could think about was all those years being taken advantage of, not speaking up, not reaching out... not being noticed. I felt cursed, truly cursed. So much so Paranoia got so bad I began to think I was being watched. I'd get this feeling where I feel like someone was watching and listening to me... I felt like I was losing my mind.
It's been a few years, and whilst I went nearly 3 years without Medication, I decided to go back on it - I've managed to learn to control The Dark Horse Depression, but the anxiety is out of control. I get ridiculously Impulsive. I let people take advantage of me. And I'm scared to speak up. It got really, really bad. There are days where my heart will physically hurt, I've had checkups at hospitals to find that yes - My anxiety is real, because there's nothing wrong with my heart except a few abnormal heartbeats which was picked up - and that was caused by anxiety. I ended up becoming a binge eater for comfort and gained 4 stone from aged 15 to 17- I've now lost 3, but I am back to the size I was at 15. I have my days where I hate myself. I still wished I could control myself - And whilst I can, I also can't. I get the sudden urge and without thinking - I'll do something.
At least now I'm not scared to reach out and talk up. I'm now on Citalopram and Receiving CBT, here's to hope the future will be bright...
So here it is, still battling on.
I grew up in an ever so loving home. I had everything I ever needed and I was doing OK at school. I was always clean, I had a close relationship with my parents, I had a happy home, and I was always loved - so how did I end up like this?
I mean, there's no denying I've had some traumatic events in the past - but that's where it should be left, in the past, yet, I can't shrug that off my shoulders. It's there everyday, and the dark horse is always there to remind you of it; depression. Except, it plays on my mind... how did I end up caught in some very unfortunate events? All so close together. I look back on life and I remember, even down to my earliest memories, not all is as it seems, and the world can be an evil place full of people there who want to take advantage of you and your loved ones; because they think they can. They can't. It's not ok. It never will be.
Why did no one notice me? In Primary school I had all the warning signs and no one noticed. I'd sit in class, daydreaming, teachers constantly telling me off for it. I'd constantly be scared of other kids. Heck, at one point, I'd deliberately hit my head off some of the pillars on the structure of the school for a bit of extra attention, oh, and how can anyone forget, I used to always knot my hair, deliberately. It became a habit to the point school would contact mum - or vice versa.
Thankfully, my parents never had the misfortune of seeing me like that. At home there were no obvious warning signals, except I used to constantly hear voices and see lights and shadows follow me, but nothing that I would say out loud because I managed to get myself used to it - and I wished I told them sooner about the smallest of things that would make me like that.
I was always the 'outcast' kid at school. I never had any friends and I always got bullied, from Primary school all the way to Secondary - It never stopped. I always had an impulsive attitude, and I ended up getting so anxious, I avoided other kids and became addicted to playing laptop games from the age of 10. My Mum, bless her, always so oblivious to what was going on inside my head - She knew I was anxious of other kids and she knew I practically hid away - But she saw it as a way of me being safe - Out of sight, out of mind, whereas at home, at least she knows I'll be safe.
I remember feeling like the world ignored me - I felt like a ghost. All I ever wanted was for someone to reach out, and no one ever did; I had a lovely Mentor at school who I was able to confide in, but she was a family friend. I had a school nurse who I was able to talk about my anxious feelings about... But again, I couldn't properly reach out, whilst internally screaming for help.
That's the thing, it eats you up, and it starts of inside. Lot's of people I knew had coping mechanisms such as self harm or drugs or even smoking - not me. None of that appealed to me. I was just being eaten away inside and there was nowt I could do about it, but deal with it, one day at a time.
I went into Autopilot. I'd wake up, go to school, come back, go on computer, then go to bed. That was my life for 6 years. Pretty boring, huh? Yep. Very. At one stage at school, I'd leave at 7AM and be in school for 7.30, just to avoid everyone. My anxiety got that bad. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to do anything. I'd became so introverted, so quiet, I had no voice.
During my time in high school, I came across a lot of leaps and bounds - I lost my Nan, she was like a second mother to me, amazing. 6 months later, I nearly lost my brother as someone tried to murder him, and 6 months after that, I went to Isle Of Man where police suspected I was being groomed, and had to have a police escort home, and interviews by social services - and that was because, finally, for the first time in my life, I felt comfortable and confided in some people I saw as friends, yeah, I was 15 and this couple was 24 and 42 at the time... But that didn't matter to me, at the time... Years have passed and now I'm questioning whether I was or not. I see where authorities coming from, but at the same time, I don't. There's a lot of missing pieces in that puzzle - still. I just know during this time, my parents were at logger heads and it's the one thing my mum regrets most, but it was never her fault.
I was hoping college would be a better start for me, but my depression and anxiety was still bad, I started to discover I'd get very easily latched on to women to confide to - No matter what, men were a no go. I become attached - and I still do. It got to a point I wished time after time if I could not wake up, I got so fed up. I felt like a waste of space. I felt like my life was going to always be this way and I was always going to be a mess. I hated myself. My body. My face. Everything. I remember, March 2014, I had enough and I decided I needed more help. I finally got put on Medication, but that same month, I remember fearing going home one day to my mum being dead. I was 17.
It was March 17th, 9PM, and mum was screaming in Agony and I remember I was trying to sleep. In the end I gave up and went downstairs, eventually I called an ambulance, and 3 weeks in hospital found she had a Major Heart Attack in the past. She now has COPD, Angina, Arthiritis and Heart Failure. She was only 46 at the time.
I felt like I was going insane. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, and all I could think about was all those years being taken advantage of, not speaking up, not reaching out... not being noticed. I felt cursed, truly cursed. So much so Paranoia got so bad I began to think I was being watched. I'd get this feeling where I feel like someone was watching and listening to me... I felt like I was losing my mind.
It's been a few years, and whilst I went nearly 3 years without Medication, I decided to go back on it - I've managed to learn to control The Dark Horse Depression, but the anxiety is out of control. I get ridiculously Impulsive. I let people take advantage of me. And I'm scared to speak up. It got really, really bad. There are days where my heart will physically hurt, I've had checkups at hospitals to find that yes - My anxiety is real, because there's nothing wrong with my heart except a few abnormal heartbeats which was picked up - and that was caused by anxiety. I ended up becoming a binge eater for comfort and gained 4 stone from aged 15 to 17- I've now lost 3, but I am back to the size I was at 15. I have my days where I hate myself. I still wished I could control myself - And whilst I can, I also can't. I get the sudden urge and without thinking - I'll do something.
At least now I'm not scared to reach out and talk up. I'm now on Citalopram and Receiving CBT, here's to hope the future will be bright...
So here it is, still battling on.
Thursday 11 January 2018
Why I'm scared to go back to University
Something that I have noticed whilst the day of me returning to University gets closer, is that I really don't want to go back - Not just that, but I'm simply not ready to. It's daunting on me like a wild animal, as though I'm trying to run away but it's getting closer and closer, and before I know it, I'm caught in the grips of it... and then I really have to try and battle my way through.
If you'd have spoken to me in the Summer, University could not come soon enough. I was beyond excited to go back and the thought of it would instantly make me feel buzzed. I really missed the atmosphere and the relationships I had a pleasure of building up during those final weeks with a range of staff.
Upon my return, the first couple weeks were alright, and then the workload hit me like a ton of bricks and all of a sudden I felt the weight drop, and I was on the heavy end. It's too much.
My lecturers would try and reassure me, but they just couldn't. 9/10 they were busy themselves and that's fine, they have other commitments but little did they know that the workload was boiling away inside of me, and all of a sudden this fear, this anxiety came over me like a dark horse, shadowing me everywhere I go.
I tried to brush it off. I wanted to tell them I couldn't cope and the workload was too much - But I get fearful they'd tell me to take the rest of the year off and return, and whilst it's been tempting, on so many occasions, I just want it over and done with, and I want to graduate with most my class... They've who I've grown to love, each, in their own individual way - even if they don't feel the same way about me. Not only that, I can't bare the thought of sitting inside doing nothing all year, let's be real, I'd have to get a job to keep me going financially, and let's also be real - The best luck I'd get, would be in retail and the thought of that depresses me, so I'm staying, and battling through.
When the Christmas holidays came, I finally managed to relax - and I mean, really relax. Not care. Not think about uni work (Even though, deep inside, it was still in the back of my mind). Every time I thought about doing my work - my dissertation and project, I would feel a hot flush and extremely anxious, to the point mentally, I kept pushing it back, and then I realised - I can't continue like this. I need some extra help here...
That's why I decided that maybe I just need to give medication another go. I didn't want to and I tried so hard to stay off it - and I can live without it. But by living without it, I don't think I can get my university work done, and I'll keep having my impulsive and compulsive episodes, and they need to be stopped, or at least, not as severe.
Thankfully, I've also had the benefit of starting CBT. It's still early day's so I can't really report much on that - which started Tuesday, except it has made me look forward more towards my other sessions. My therapist seems like a lovely lady!
But today, my Mentor booked me in so we can sort out a plan for the year, and last night, before bed, my whole body dreaded with anxiety, again. 'I don't want to go in, I really don't', I'd tell myself, over and over again... I'm not ready. Even though today I wasn't starting my uni work, just the fact that now on, I'll be going in every week about 3 times a week and it may not seem like much - But the work load can become extremely overwhelming. I had a little panic attack on the way there, I started feeling very sick, my mind doing overtime.
I tried to go up to see my lecturers to ensure I'm doing OK on my dissertation and to give them an update on my emotional wellbeing - they weren't in, and that's fine. I did send them a couple emails over the holidays but they never replied which was pretty disheartening because I'm literally in desperate need for their help and support, I struggle daily with paranoia, about everything, at one point, for many years, felt like I was being watched, up until September, when it clicked - it's not possible. Anyway, one lecturer, absolutely lovely lady who's done a lot for me already - helped me through a rough situation over Spring and Summer, but as soon as I got to uni to start my final year, it was difficult for her to fit me in - understandably though, she had a lot of work, in and out of work, which I'm not mad about at all, these things happen - But I sort of felt almost like a burden. I started questioning the point in things, because there's nothing they can do, well, there is, but they don't have the time for me. I feel like I'm too much. I say it over and over again to myself, everyday - I'm too much for them. They don't deserve this. I'm just a student. Someone, eventually, they'll say goodbye to, as other students come in, and in 3, 5, 10 years time, I'll just be another 'student'... and possibly another statistic at that too.
Now, don't get me wrong, I want to stay at University... The place itself I love - Which is why I don't want to go back. Why? Well, It's my final year, and I'm coming into my second, and most important semester. After this semester, all of my work should be handed in, then I'll be onto the real world doing real things, and I'm hands on, not prepared for it. I'm scared. I missed out so much on a lot growing up - socially, that at university, I found it. I still feel very much in my 'youth', like a school kid, but at university - I've in a way, found myself, and the thought of everything is scary. I want to be the best, of the best, who doesn't? But the film industry is scaring me now. If I can't even get my uni work done, how will I ever succeed? I really, really, don't want to graduate with a 2:2, and certainly not a Third. I will break down more than anything. I really will. I'm trying to my absolute best ability to bring myself up to a 2:1, to the point I've put so much pressure upon myself, and that doesn't help - Because the pressure is going to be so much more intense in my second semester.
One lecturer said 'Demi, you're focusing too much on numbers, and that's where you're going wrong', as in, I'm focusing too much on my grade, that it's affecting me and it's not as important as it seems... but to me, it's a big deal. I'm tired, so damn tired of just 'passing' through everything. Through school, through college, I just got through and passed, I skimmed it. No, I want to be different this time, and I want to do myself proud and my family. I want my parents to have the benefit of telling people I at least got a 2:1 at uni. I want to have that pleasure of showing that off - Silly as it seems... it's a big deal for me. I just want to feel like it's valued - My brother, 3 years older than me, very smart man and has always exceeded beyond anyone's expectations, graduated from University with a First Class Honours, and the whole family is proud of him, they even celebrated with a meal - and that's what I want. I can celebrate a 2:1, I can't celebrate a 2:2 or below. I feel hardly up to industry standard. I guess that inner 'Jealousy' comes out, hey? But no, I am jealous, and proud, because he's achieved so much, and growing up, it caused me to be very competitive - he always won... and again, that's where I go wrong, and that's probably why I always hit this brick wall.
Life's taught me a lot, whilst my brother is extremely intelligent with numbers and coding and whatever else, my level of intelligence differs, I wouldn't know a thing or two about that - except basic math I guess... But mine is my Psychological - I feel I have more Psychological understanding than most people... almost like I can just understand a lot of people - even if I don't.
And now, knowing that, coming into my last few months at uni, and each day approaches, it's just a day closer to the never ending stress that will stretch me to my limit. One day close to me leaving. One day closer to me becoming another 'Statistic'. One day closer...
If you'd have spoken to me in the Summer, University could not come soon enough. I was beyond excited to go back and the thought of it would instantly make me feel buzzed. I really missed the atmosphere and the relationships I had a pleasure of building up during those final weeks with a range of staff.
Upon my return, the first couple weeks were alright, and then the workload hit me like a ton of bricks and all of a sudden I felt the weight drop, and I was on the heavy end. It's too much.
My lecturers would try and reassure me, but they just couldn't. 9/10 they were busy themselves and that's fine, they have other commitments but little did they know that the workload was boiling away inside of me, and all of a sudden this fear, this anxiety came over me like a dark horse, shadowing me everywhere I go.
I tried to brush it off. I wanted to tell them I couldn't cope and the workload was too much - But I get fearful they'd tell me to take the rest of the year off and return, and whilst it's been tempting, on so many occasions, I just want it over and done with, and I want to graduate with most my class... They've who I've grown to love, each, in their own individual way - even if they don't feel the same way about me. Not only that, I can't bare the thought of sitting inside doing nothing all year, let's be real, I'd have to get a job to keep me going financially, and let's also be real - The best luck I'd get, would be in retail and the thought of that depresses me, so I'm staying, and battling through.
When the Christmas holidays came, I finally managed to relax - and I mean, really relax. Not care. Not think about uni work (Even though, deep inside, it was still in the back of my mind). Every time I thought about doing my work - my dissertation and project, I would feel a hot flush and extremely anxious, to the point mentally, I kept pushing it back, and then I realised - I can't continue like this. I need some extra help here...
That's why I decided that maybe I just need to give medication another go. I didn't want to and I tried so hard to stay off it - and I can live without it. But by living without it, I don't think I can get my university work done, and I'll keep having my impulsive and compulsive episodes, and they need to be stopped, or at least, not as severe.
Thankfully, I've also had the benefit of starting CBT. It's still early day's so I can't really report much on that - which started Tuesday, except it has made me look forward more towards my other sessions. My therapist seems like a lovely lady!
But today, my Mentor booked me in so we can sort out a plan for the year, and last night, before bed, my whole body dreaded with anxiety, again. 'I don't want to go in, I really don't', I'd tell myself, over and over again... I'm not ready. Even though today I wasn't starting my uni work, just the fact that now on, I'll be going in every week about 3 times a week and it may not seem like much - But the work load can become extremely overwhelming. I had a little panic attack on the way there, I started feeling very sick, my mind doing overtime.
I tried to go up to see my lecturers to ensure I'm doing OK on my dissertation and to give them an update on my emotional wellbeing - they weren't in, and that's fine. I did send them a couple emails over the holidays but they never replied which was pretty disheartening because I'm literally in desperate need for their help and support, I struggle daily with paranoia, about everything, at one point, for many years, felt like I was being watched, up until September, when it clicked - it's not possible. Anyway, one lecturer, absolutely lovely lady who's done a lot for me already - helped me through a rough situation over Spring and Summer, but as soon as I got to uni to start my final year, it was difficult for her to fit me in - understandably though, she had a lot of work, in and out of work, which I'm not mad about at all, these things happen - But I sort of felt almost like a burden. I started questioning the point in things, because there's nothing they can do, well, there is, but they don't have the time for me. I feel like I'm too much. I say it over and over again to myself, everyday - I'm too much for them. They don't deserve this. I'm just a student. Someone, eventually, they'll say goodbye to, as other students come in, and in 3, 5, 10 years time, I'll just be another 'student'... and possibly another statistic at that too.
Now, don't get me wrong, I want to stay at University... The place itself I love - Which is why I don't want to go back. Why? Well, It's my final year, and I'm coming into my second, and most important semester. After this semester, all of my work should be handed in, then I'll be onto the real world doing real things, and I'm hands on, not prepared for it. I'm scared. I missed out so much on a lot growing up - socially, that at university, I found it. I still feel very much in my 'youth', like a school kid, but at university - I've in a way, found myself, and the thought of everything is scary. I want to be the best, of the best, who doesn't? But the film industry is scaring me now. If I can't even get my uni work done, how will I ever succeed? I really, really, don't want to graduate with a 2:2, and certainly not a Third. I will break down more than anything. I really will. I'm trying to my absolute best ability to bring myself up to a 2:1, to the point I've put so much pressure upon myself, and that doesn't help - Because the pressure is going to be so much more intense in my second semester.
One lecturer said 'Demi, you're focusing too much on numbers, and that's where you're going wrong', as in, I'm focusing too much on my grade, that it's affecting me and it's not as important as it seems... but to me, it's a big deal. I'm tired, so damn tired of just 'passing' through everything. Through school, through college, I just got through and passed, I skimmed it. No, I want to be different this time, and I want to do myself proud and my family. I want my parents to have the benefit of telling people I at least got a 2:1 at uni. I want to have that pleasure of showing that off - Silly as it seems... it's a big deal for me. I just want to feel like it's valued - My brother, 3 years older than me, very smart man and has always exceeded beyond anyone's expectations, graduated from University with a First Class Honours, and the whole family is proud of him, they even celebrated with a meal - and that's what I want. I can celebrate a 2:1, I can't celebrate a 2:2 or below. I feel hardly up to industry standard. I guess that inner 'Jealousy' comes out, hey? But no, I am jealous, and proud, because he's achieved so much, and growing up, it caused me to be very competitive - he always won... and again, that's where I go wrong, and that's probably why I always hit this brick wall.
Life's taught me a lot, whilst my brother is extremely intelligent with numbers and coding and whatever else, my level of intelligence differs, I wouldn't know a thing or two about that - except basic math I guess... But mine is my Psychological - I feel I have more Psychological understanding than most people... almost like I can just understand a lot of people - even if I don't.
And now, knowing that, coming into my last few months at uni, and each day approaches, it's just a day closer to the never ending stress that will stretch me to my limit. One day close to me leaving. One day closer to me becoming another 'Statistic'. One day closer...
Sunday 7 January 2018
Citalopram - Day 11 - I'm not even sure!
I had to get up pretty early than normal today - 9:30! Marley had to be at the Vets for 11 so I did my hair and got changed. I thought I'd wait and get the 10:40 bus, so I looked on the App to make sure a bus was due and oh - It's Sunday! The bus next was due in 8 minutes (10:27) and the one after that was due at 11:27! I quickly threw my Coat on, got my shoes on, and got the dogs lead on before leaving.. and I'd not long made myself a cup of tea so had to down that too! - All that took just a short 3 minutes and the bus stop thankfully is over the road from me, so I made it.
As I got to the Vets, they upped Marley's tablets to 60mg on the epiphen rather than 30mg daily. I was back home by 11:30 and made myself a cup of tea.
As normal, 12PM came and I took my usual dose and then I cleaned up the Kitchen and Brad did the Living room for Mum and Dad whilst they went out for a meal with my brother and Sister-in-Law. Thankfully, tea was sorted for me as I was having it up Brad's today and he lives a street away from me, so as soon as we cleaned we left to Brad's and had a nice Sunday Roast.
As I was worried the dogs were left alone (Mum and mine), I went straight back to mine but thankfully mum was back and she and my Sister-in-law, Clare, were cleaning the room.
For some reason, today I've wanted to do nothing. So once everything was done and dusted, I decided to do the usual - nothing. I'm finding this a lot more recently, but I feel a little bit empty - But I know, eventually I'll be ok.
My nieces and Nephew came round too, of course, bundled with joy and love. My niece has such a lovely bond with me. I'm currently working on a big blog about.. everything... i've been feeling and thinking over the past few years and months. I hope to get that published soon if possible.
As I got to the Vets, they upped Marley's tablets to 60mg on the epiphen rather than 30mg daily. I was back home by 11:30 and made myself a cup of tea.
As normal, 12PM came and I took my usual dose and then I cleaned up the Kitchen and Brad did the Living room for Mum and Dad whilst they went out for a meal with my brother and Sister-in-Law. Thankfully, tea was sorted for me as I was having it up Brad's today and he lives a street away from me, so as soon as we cleaned we left to Brad's and had a nice Sunday Roast.
As I was worried the dogs were left alone (Mum and mine), I went straight back to mine but thankfully mum was back and she and my Sister-in-law, Clare, were cleaning the room.
For some reason, today I've wanted to do nothing. So once everything was done and dusted, I decided to do the usual - nothing. I'm finding this a lot more recently, but I feel a little bit empty - But I know, eventually I'll be ok.
My nieces and Nephew came round too, of course, bundled with joy and love. My niece has such a lovely bond with me. I'm currently working on a big blog about.. everything... i've been feeling and thinking over the past few years and months. I hope to get that published soon if possible.
Saturday 6 January 2018
Citalopram - Day 10 - Intense.
I don't think I can truly sum up my feelings for today, except they felt a lot more intense than they have been for a while. I just know that university has been really stressing me out, and knowing I've only got 10 days before I'm back in class, back in that stress, and doing it all over again is honestly scary. This is the semester I can't afford to let depression or anxiety take over and that, more than anything, is petrifying.
I remember last night, I woke up in the night, it must have been between 3 and 6, as it was still pitch black out. I just remember Gordon Ramseys Kitchen Nightmare USA and that house buying programme was on... my mind fully awake throughout a good 2 hours I'd say. I couldn't get back to sleep and even though my eyes were closed, my mind was still very much awake and going through tons of scenario's in my head about... yep, uni.
In the Summer, the thought of going back to University was exciting and I couldn't understand why I never went much the first 2 years - and now, I'm starting to understand. The social aspect is wonderful and the campus itself is very comfortable, but I'm not ready to feel the pressure of having so much work to do and constantly being pressured to do things and feeling lost - almost as though I don't belong. I feel as though I don't belong. I still feel different to everyone else in class, if i'm honest. There's something about me that's different to everyone else, and part of that is me thinking I'm not good enough. I feel like a complete failure.
Whilst my grades for the first semester are looking promising, and I can achieve Firsts and 2:1's, I have nowt to show for it and I wished I reached out sooner for help at university - But no, I waited until April last year, and by then, I was finishing my second year. Too late.
And that's the thing. I'm fighting. I'm always bloody fighting. I'm always trying to keep myself on top and being as strong as I can be then I go home, I go to bed at night, and the reality of this crappy head of mine sets in. The self doubt is strong. I hate myself. I feel like I'll let everyone down, my family, my friends, my lecturers, myself.
It's a sad irony, I get so much reassurance, and it gives me a short, temporary, inspirational buzz, but then, even then I'm questioning how they see that in me? Do they really know how my head works? I can't keep myself focused and it's almost like my mind always wants to focus on the negative things. I try so hard to focus on the positives and I try to be so positive about things - I try so damn hard... but no matter how hard I try, I feel ridiculous.
I feel ridiculous, I feel like I'm an embarrassment at some point. I got bullied all through school to the point I still struggle, to this day, to talk to people like a normal 20 year old. I end up feeling really uncomfortable. I still find it really hard to hold out a conversation with my boyfriends family - I've been with him 2 years 8 months. I keep it short and sweet, always saying something wrong - without any bad intention, embarrassing myself or raising a few eyebrows. It's so hard. I just want to talk to people, have a normal conversation and actually know what I'm talking about. I get thrown so off guard so easily I can forget what I'm talking about - or even, how relevant what I'm talking about is.
It's a depression. It doesn't help that when I go to uni and crave so bad to talk to someone, but yet, to the point I even know I'm a burden to them. I try to stop myself but I just want a conversation, I want to feel human. But I can't. I feel so much of my life has been effected by the bullying, being mistreated by so many people, traumas, the past - that's what it is, and that's where I want to leave it - but how can I? When my past, is what's shaped my present, and my future.
To some, I come across confident. But I'm really not. I cannot look at someone in the eyes and hold a conversation. My eyes are staring all over the place and then I begin getting paranoid: Is this noticeable? I start questioning myself.
These thoughts, they go on and on and on, it's a vicious, vicious circle... but now you've had an insight of what goes on in this little brain of mine when I'm quiet, when I'm staring into space, when I'm being ignored... oh, and that's barely even a quarter of it... never mind half. Welcome to my life.
Anyway, the sleep was so disturbed I woke up at 12:05PM. The latest I have in a long time... a few weeks ago, my days started at 8am and finished at 10PM... now my days finish at 2AM and start at 12PM. I hate that. My hands sweating, I'm assuming this is one side effect I've ignored - my hands are almost always sweating lately and it's really annoying! I constantly have to wash my hands as the sweat is making everything stick. Gross.
I took my tablet and gave my dog his, got changed and went up Dudley to get my boyfriends sister her birthday present, as it's her birthday today - I was up there for an hour but as I was shopping I received a call off my boyfriend, Brad... and unfortunately, my dog had a fit (He has Syringomyelia). It's his second one in 3 weeks, after nearly being fit free for a year and being on tablets - I've come to the conclusion his tablets don't work as they used to or his condition is worsening - which can result into a drill to his skull to relieve the pressure - which his dog-dad is currently undergoing treatment for as they believe he may have to have the operation and is being for the same condition. I booked him in for an earlier appointment to the vet tomorrow in hope that they just up his meds. People don't understand the sheer love I have for my dog, because that dog loves me and knows I'm his owner and it's an amazing feeling.
Anyhows, I got back and done my makeup, before going up Brads then out for a birthday meal with his family. I ordered a chicken and rib combo - 2 chicken skewers and BBQ Ribs with Chips, coleslaw, corn on the cob and Onion rings - I ate it all! It was so good. I then went back to Brads, had a glass of wine and spoke to his family for a bit. By talk, I mean the above.
I couldn't help but feel really down. All I can think about is Uni. I'm not prepared for all this workload and pressure. Especially the project - Yes, I chose to do it... But no matter what I chose to do, i'd feel the same way... unless I work in a group - it's petrifying. I don't like directing. I don't like being the leader. That's not who I am in film - I like to stick to two things only - cinematography and editing. Sigh.
But now I'm home, in bed... and unable to sleep. My motivation is dead... but with a 9.30 start tomorrow, I guess I should probably get as much sleep as I can... if I can.
Hopefully tomorrow, I'll feel better.
I remember last night, I woke up in the night, it must have been between 3 and 6, as it was still pitch black out. I just remember Gordon Ramseys Kitchen Nightmare USA and that house buying programme was on... my mind fully awake throughout a good 2 hours I'd say. I couldn't get back to sleep and even though my eyes were closed, my mind was still very much awake and going through tons of scenario's in my head about... yep, uni.
In the Summer, the thought of going back to University was exciting and I couldn't understand why I never went much the first 2 years - and now, I'm starting to understand. The social aspect is wonderful and the campus itself is very comfortable, but I'm not ready to feel the pressure of having so much work to do and constantly being pressured to do things and feeling lost - almost as though I don't belong. I feel as though I don't belong. I still feel different to everyone else in class, if i'm honest. There's something about me that's different to everyone else, and part of that is me thinking I'm not good enough. I feel like a complete failure.
Whilst my grades for the first semester are looking promising, and I can achieve Firsts and 2:1's, I have nowt to show for it and I wished I reached out sooner for help at university - But no, I waited until April last year, and by then, I was finishing my second year. Too late.
And that's the thing. I'm fighting. I'm always bloody fighting. I'm always trying to keep myself on top and being as strong as I can be then I go home, I go to bed at night, and the reality of this crappy head of mine sets in. The self doubt is strong. I hate myself. I feel like I'll let everyone down, my family, my friends, my lecturers, myself.
It's a sad irony, I get so much reassurance, and it gives me a short, temporary, inspirational buzz, but then, even then I'm questioning how they see that in me? Do they really know how my head works? I can't keep myself focused and it's almost like my mind always wants to focus on the negative things. I try so hard to focus on the positives and I try to be so positive about things - I try so damn hard... but no matter how hard I try, I feel ridiculous.
I feel ridiculous, I feel like I'm an embarrassment at some point. I got bullied all through school to the point I still struggle, to this day, to talk to people like a normal 20 year old. I end up feeling really uncomfortable. I still find it really hard to hold out a conversation with my boyfriends family - I've been with him 2 years 8 months. I keep it short and sweet, always saying something wrong - without any bad intention, embarrassing myself or raising a few eyebrows. It's so hard. I just want to talk to people, have a normal conversation and actually know what I'm talking about. I get thrown so off guard so easily I can forget what I'm talking about - or even, how relevant what I'm talking about is.
It's a depression. It doesn't help that when I go to uni and crave so bad to talk to someone, but yet, to the point I even know I'm a burden to them. I try to stop myself but I just want a conversation, I want to feel human. But I can't. I feel so much of my life has been effected by the bullying, being mistreated by so many people, traumas, the past - that's what it is, and that's where I want to leave it - but how can I? When my past, is what's shaped my present, and my future.
To some, I come across confident. But I'm really not. I cannot look at someone in the eyes and hold a conversation. My eyes are staring all over the place and then I begin getting paranoid: Is this noticeable? I start questioning myself.
These thoughts, they go on and on and on, it's a vicious, vicious circle... but now you've had an insight of what goes on in this little brain of mine when I'm quiet, when I'm staring into space, when I'm being ignored... oh, and that's barely even a quarter of it... never mind half. Welcome to my life.
Anyway, the sleep was so disturbed I woke up at 12:05PM. The latest I have in a long time... a few weeks ago, my days started at 8am and finished at 10PM... now my days finish at 2AM and start at 12PM. I hate that. My hands sweating, I'm assuming this is one side effect I've ignored - my hands are almost always sweating lately and it's really annoying! I constantly have to wash my hands as the sweat is making everything stick. Gross.
I took my tablet and gave my dog his, got changed and went up Dudley to get my boyfriends sister her birthday present, as it's her birthday today - I was up there for an hour but as I was shopping I received a call off my boyfriend, Brad... and unfortunately, my dog had a fit (He has Syringomyelia). It's his second one in 3 weeks, after nearly being fit free for a year and being on tablets - I've come to the conclusion his tablets don't work as they used to or his condition is worsening - which can result into a drill to his skull to relieve the pressure - which his dog-dad is currently undergoing treatment for as they believe he may have to have the operation and is being for the same condition. I booked him in for an earlier appointment to the vet tomorrow in hope that they just up his meds. People don't understand the sheer love I have for my dog, because that dog loves me and knows I'm his owner and it's an amazing feeling.
Anyhows, I got back and done my makeup, before going up Brads then out for a birthday meal with his family. I ordered a chicken and rib combo - 2 chicken skewers and BBQ Ribs with Chips, coleslaw, corn on the cob and Onion rings - I ate it all! It was so good. I then went back to Brads, had a glass of wine and spoke to his family for a bit. By talk, I mean the above.
I couldn't help but feel really down. All I can think about is Uni. I'm not prepared for all this workload and pressure. Especially the project - Yes, I chose to do it... But no matter what I chose to do, i'd feel the same way... unless I work in a group - it's petrifying. I don't like directing. I don't like being the leader. That's not who I am in film - I like to stick to two things only - cinematography and editing. Sigh.
But now I'm home, in bed... and unable to sleep. My motivation is dead... but with a 9.30 start tomorrow, I guess I should probably get as much sleep as I can... if I can.
Hopefully tomorrow, I'll feel better.
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